a garden without a fence

It Gets Better Project

2010-10-14T21:02:00.001+07:00

i love this project. all of the recent occurrences of bullying, gay bashing, and suicide have been so prevalent lately. not that the situation is necessarily getting worse, but with social media becoming so visible, so intrinsic in our lives, the things we may not have been informed about before are now splattered across every webpage. in a way, things are getting better with more gay acceptance in popular media, and an increasing number of states legalizing gay marriage (fuck you cali, i'm so ashamed of my home state). but when people are still in their teens and 20's, trying to figure out who they are in every aspect, being gay may still seem like being a social leper. with how unsure of myself i was in high school, i cant imagine having the added pressure of either coming out and probably being attacked, or hiding something that was intrinsic to my being. i'm not into labeling, because it seems so exclusionary, but if i had to i guess i would consider myself bisexual. because i am sexually attracted to women, have had same sex encounters, and i think that most women are truly bi. however, emotionally i prefer hetero relationships. i'm not really interested in having a female lover, because of the guilt i feel knowing that it is purely a physical attraction, and i dont feel i could ever devote more to the relationship. so at first i was a bit miffed that this project was for LGBT only, and wasn't open to ALL teens that are feeling rejected by their peers. but what is good about it, giving something a label, is it creates a feeling of unity, allows one to feel a part of something when shunned by others. personally i have always been a non-joiner. the whole refusing to join a club that would have me as a member kind of thing. discovering my sexuality, my character, who i intrinsically am has been a very organic process for me. of course there are the ups and downs, a paradigm shift here and there, but i have never had to bear the burden of any serious shame for who or what i am. maybe it's because of the variety of things i can identify with being a tattooed motorcycle riding human and environmental rights vegan atheist bisexual bibliophile. i've never felt that any of these things DEFINE who i am, but they build the cohesive structure that makes up who i am. and i am not saying that being queer makes someone one dimensional or anything. but i just never had to "come out" with anything, it was always just there in the background. but that is mostly because there was no reason for me to hide anything. being forced to lie about your sexuality is tearing down the foundation upon which a person builds themselves. without that stability, it is so hard to grow in other aspects of your life.

so i really hope that this project and others like it get as much media coverage as the shocking victimization stories that make for good ratings. because i have been allowed to be completely honest about who i am. those who know me are fully aware that i am so totally open, maybe sometimes to a fault. but that is one of my favorite things about being me. for me its like proof that you dont have to play the game or live by the rules that others have set out for you. you can build your own rules, or fuck the rules all together. finding the path that allows you to do so is not easy, there are so many small-minded people out there that will knowingly and purposefully act as hurdles to hinder your progression. but at one point in my life i realized i could just walk around them, or better yet, break them down. i dont have to say "how high" when someone says jump, i can just say "fuck you" and blast right through. when i finally became aware that i could be exactly myself in everything i did, it was such a relief. not that i havent worked for it, the jobs i've taken, the friends i have, all of my experiences have been made with the caveat that i will only be myself. if not, it's a deal-breaker, and i'll have no part in it. i have a lot of people to thank for that, and i try to let them know it often, because few people are so lucky.

so no matter your gender, sexuality, whatever, try to be honest as you can be, first with yourself and then with all those around you. because if you can do it, it may give others the strength to do so as well. figuring out who you really are is a rough road, whether it be parts of your humanity that are chosen, or with which you were born. and this is obviosuly something that is ever changing, (hopefully) people evolve through the course of their entire lives. but once you have determined the things that hold you up, the things that make you proud of being who you are, share them with the world. the people i am closest to do just that, and they do it without pretension or judgement. because of my lifestyle i have friends that i correspond with only a few times a year. but there is a reason i DO stay in touch, even though it may not seem to others not strong enough to hold onto the bonds of friendship. it's because all of those people made such an immediate impact on my world-view, they made me see how amazing a person could be by just being themselves. being uncluttered and non-farcical, people that you can take at their word in every aspect of your relationship. i have had great friends in the past that i have moved on from and are not likely to contact again. the times we spent together were great. but the ones that really last, that i will consider friends throughout the entirety of my life are still in my heart, because i know who they truly are. and they know me. my life has taken me all around the world, meeting people with different backgrounds, cultures, lifestyles, etc. but all of those things can make an even stronger bond when shared with integrity and trust. i have been more fortunate then most in many ways, but one i never take for granted is the knowledge that there are people out there who accept not only me, but any person with a high quality of character. so let yourselves show people. the things you are proud of, the things you are working on, and all of the amazing qualities that you have which will help build the communal structure that is our society. its more than "i disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." that is not enough, you have to defend the right to not only say it, but to BE it. for me, i think the belief in god is a fantasy that people use to give their lives meaning, because they are blind to the meaning all around them. but as long as they aren't infringing on others rights and beliefs, let them have it, and respectfully. people deal with this life the best way they possibly can, and we all know we have to live with ourselves for, well, our whole lives. so be what you are, love what you are, and say what you are, because the more people that do so, the more we can trust in society as a whole. we are disgusted with the politicians that speak out against gay rights yet are caught partaking in homosexual relations. but if that person had just been honest about who they were from the start, they could be a beacon of integrity and someone to be praised. i'm not saying it's easy, it will take a hell of a lot more work going against the grain. but the more people that do it, the easier it will become, until the word "acceptance" is rarely used, because no one would consider any other alternative. it will just be the m.o. so if you've got the guts to do it, shout out who you are, and take it even further by giving support around you to those who want to do the same but are afraid of the repercussions. the point of this project is "it gets better", but it is more than just our lives getting better as we age and are okay with being ourselves, and maybe others are okay with it too. it's about society getting better, humanity getting better, something that will outlast us and our own insecurities, and become yet another rung on the ladder towards "acceptance". it's a movement that i want to be a part of, and encourage others to do so as well. because for all of my faults, i love who i am, and every person on this planet deserves that feeling. those of us that have it have a responsibility to work towards making it happen for others, or the pride we feel in ourselves comes to naught. i mean, who wants to be proud of themselves in a world that demeans others? certainly not me, and i'm pretty sure most of you out there would say the same. so say it. do it. be it.

the benchmark of bland posts

2010-10-12T22:25:00.000+07:00

so i've been feeling kinda shitty lately about a whole bunch of stuff going on, but just a couple of barely noticeable events happened, and made me remember how important the small things are. so i started thinking of all the things i have found to like recently, and such a shame i just dont have anyone to call and gab about this stuff with. so i'll just gab about it to my blog, we all know i like hearing my own voice best anyway :)

you know what new show is pretty good? the big c. i have always liked laura linney, and the casting for it is pretty fantastic. the dude that plays her romantic interest is one gorgeous hunk of man. i've always loved black guys with english accents, and this one is a looker. anyway, the premise of the show is about a woman who has a soon to be fatal case of melanoma, and she is living out the last year of her life without telling her family about it, just trying to get the most out of the life that she has left, while figuring out what the point of it all. it's not fantastic, the writing could be a little less trite, but it has an organic feel, not gimmicky like it could have been.

ok, something that is nice but sucks at the same time. this very cute guy asked me out on a date 2 weeks ago. we messaged back and forth a few times, he called me the night before to confirm, but then in the morning he says he is sick. so i figured he probably had a girlfriend that unexpectedly got off of work or something. but he messages me later, promises he is REALLY sick, and wants to make the date for the next weekend. so he texts me everyday until the upcoming weekend. he had been missing work because he is still sick, but he is sure he will be fine by the weekend. friday he goes into the hospital. and i cant even figure out what is wrong with the guy, we dont have enough of a common language for him to explain it to me. so at this point im thinking maybe i should block his calls for the sake of my health. but he seems pretty sweet, so when he asked for one more chance i said okay. then he asked if we could meet this saturday, of course its the first saturday in ages i cant get out for even a few hours. cock blocked by my new coworkers and they arent even here yet. i dont think i am going to be able to see him, because my psyche cant handle much more. i have had to feel the anticipation of a first date multiple times now, and still without payoff. it turns out the giddy part of the giddy-nervous feeling kind of wears off after a while. now i just feel like its too much trouble. its a shame too. good lookin guy with great hair, a blue collar worker with just enough english skill to make everything just a little bit funnier i.e. more awkward. sigh. maybe i can figure out how to give it one more shot. he drives a taxi, maybe i can just stand out on the sidewalk until he passes by. thats how a girl finds a nice guy, stands out on the street corner, right? good, thats what i thought.

another thing i love. frozen coke zero. im eating half of a 1.25 liter like every day. crunchy, sweet, and not fattening, and cold enough to lower my body temperature and let me work without the fan for a few minutes. i hate fans. not as much as i hate air conditioners, but i hate air blowing on me. part of it is because if it is in my face it dries out my contacts (HATE car aircon for just that reason), and also because it disturbs my peace. just now i crunched on enough frozen soda to feel a chill, so i switched off the fan. now i can hear the crickets and the wooden wind chimes outside of my window. i know the sounds of howling dogs will cover all that up soon, but its nice for a few minutes at least. hm, i wonder if it is bad for my teeth?

alright, i am going to watch episode 8 of the big c while i eat the rest of my coke zero and text this guy that has a sickness that i hope is not an std to try to set up a date in the not too distant future. man, he just needs to wait a little longer. after all this time out here i am finally going to have TIME to date. all this and now i probably wont meet a guy for ages. well, theres always that street corner...

The Day Has Come!!!

2010-10-02T03:43:00.000+07:00

i could give all kinds of excuses about why it has been SO INCREDIBLY LONG since my last post. i could whine about all of the field work i have been doing. or the big changes in the company that have to be hammered out. or the fact that a couple of months ago i just about reached the end of my rope. but i know all of that will be forgiven. because today was the day. the culmination of 8 months of stress, tears, pain, love, joy, anxiety, and family. there were times for each of us when we questioned our decisions to take on this challenge. questioned, but not doubted. we all knew it would be a hard road. of course, my part in this house was the easiest. sure, i had the burden of most of the actual labor, but no matter what i will someday go back to my home country and return to a normal life. these people have never even had that to begin with (at least not what most of us would consider normal). so even if everything works out, all the fear, the processing, the torment that they may have caused harm to others, even when they reach their destination, this "normal" world will still seem like landing on another planet. sure, we are doing our best to put support systems in place. i myself am determined to keep these great kids a part of my family. but since i may not be back for a little while, i have encouraged my father and brother to plan lunch dates, send photos, and of course christmas gifts to them until i can be the one to fill that role. i know for them to call me a sister, it is pretty common in their culture. but like many americans, for me calling someone a sister is a promise. a promise to do whatever is in my power to support them for the rest of their lives. i have never actually had a sister, but i cannot imagine hoping for someones success as deeply as i wish for theirs.

i know it sucks that i cant be more specific about my work. i am trying my darnedest to relay the emotional intensity of the last few days, while keeping my bosses from making me delete this :) but the bottom line is that today, two wonderful girls stepped over a literal boundary that would severely change the rest of their lives. from today on, they will no longer have to be ashamed of who they are. and in a couple of weeks when they reach their new homes, they will be able to scream it in the streets if they feel like it. they can put it on display, use it to identify themselves. or they can keep it comfortably tucked away and only bring it out when it seems meaningful for them. its the near unlimited choices that will be the best part of their new lives.

for me, this is obviously pretty emotional. im not really a crier, i usually have a more visceral reaction. after my work had reached the finish line, i couldnt even get in a cab, because i felt so much going on in my body. a stomach clenching nervousness about their future hurdles, the chest tightening sadness of losing two members of my family (for now anyway), and of course the very surreal awareness that a tiny, relatively unskilled, obnoxious know it all like myself had a direct role in making this happen. and of course if i wasnt here, it would have been someone else, i wasnt anything irreplaceable. but the unbelievable good fortune that has followed me my entire life landed me in this place, at this time, where i could feel so proud of every person, and i'm not so humble, so yes, greatly proud of myself, to have given so much effort to make this happen. and some might say that the field work is the most challenging in certain ways. but in my opinion, the rewards are so far beyond that. i have the best life in the world. honestly. i wake up every day to a beautiful, hard working, determined, and ever growing adopted family. and even if we wanted to tear each others hair out sometimes, every day we treated each other with the respect and dignity that we all deserve.

this is not the end of the line for me though. i m not sure how long i will stay, but i have enough time ahead of me to continue to fight the good fight. the peeps back home are working as diligently as ever, and although this was a great step, there is so much more work to be done on this issue. so whatever i have left in me to give, i give it gladly. so thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the people who put their hearts so devoutly into this work. before i actually started this part of the job, i used to go around talking to people about the issue. one thing i would say is that at first you wonder if it has any difference to be doing work that indirectly helps these people, that you might never see come to fruition. but after meeting them, hearing their stories, i felt it to be incredibly presumptuous of me to like, have my name attached to this or that outcome of our work. luckily enough, i did end up out here, having a direct responsibility. and honestly, being out here might make it seem more tangible. but the knowledge that you are working for the betterment of mankind (i know it sounds a bit cheeseball) within the limits that your situation has placed on you is all that anyone could ask for. because most people dont get even nearly that far. i am lucky enough to have a lifestyle where i can throw a few books into a bag and head off to just about any place in the world, for just about any amount of time that i want. and because of that, my situation is easier than those who are trying their best to make a difference while struggling with school, multiple jobs, house payments, dependents, and the admirable trait of not wanting to leave their loved ones behind. it proves that any commitment that can be made, any devotion to make a difference, will make huge changes that you may not be able to see for yourselves firsthand, but will change others lives on such an incredible level, and it never could have happened without your assistance.

my girls on their big day!!!

so i promise to get back to semi-regular posting. it is always hard, i want to share so much, because there are so many inspiring events that occur here literally daily. but all i can really say is, sometimes i get down watching the incalculable number of things that are just evil in this world. the devastating death of the student at rutgers, the senate still having tabled the 1 billion dollar relief fund to haiti, the insanity of the teabaggers, it just seems like too much. but my father reminded me, that these crazy things go in cycles, the mccarthy trials, the internment camps of WWII. but the thing that stays steady is the community of people that have love for every fellow human being on this planet, and they will fight with an unparalleled tenacity to see justice brought to the world. and today was the proof that no matter the odds that continue to stack up, we can trust that there will be those that fight for us. unfortunalty, for some it is too late to reach them. but their cases should just make us all the more determined to stand up and demand change. most of us live in countries with true freedom, and can shout our presence down every street if that is what it takes. and for those who cannot speak, we should do it twice as loud, twice as often. it can become a roar that in the beginning many people will try to pretend isn't there. but the more of us that lend our voice, the sooner it will be that they can ignore us no loner. so seriously, scream out your window right now about an injustice that you know needs to be dealt with immediately . and tomorrow during your lunchbreak, evening at home, or few hours of respite on the weekends, make a small but tangible effort to spark a change, and a commitment to keeping that small fire alive and growing until differences have been made. it may not be life changing for you (who knows, it may), but it certainly could be for someone else down the line. when i decided to take on this specific issue, i never imagined where it would take me. two years ago i was wondering if i would ever walk again. but in that time i learned how some people have so little freedom, the would have done anything to be in my situation. so this has been the most enriching experience of my life, and if not one person remembers my part in it, it so does not matter. because i will remember it, and it will be a part of who i am for the rest of my life. so to my two best girls, i know you are fighters, and you are ready to take on the world. with just a little help you have blossomed into capable, determined women who will take advantage of every opportunity that presents itself, and even the ones they must discover for themselves. you are my sisters, my blood, and when i meet you again we will meet as peers, ready to support each other with all that we have. until then, show us all that you can do, and i will keep on fighting for the ones that will join you in the future. ganbatte! aishiteru!

in/sincerity

2010-07-07T03:41:00.003+07:00

so i thought i would put something to a little test. it was testing myself as well as another. although i am always aware of one of the rare jewels i got from my mother, "never test someone unless you will be okay when they fail" or something along those lines. its the same way for everything; if you ever lend money plan to never see it returned. if you ask a question, be prepared for the worst answer, and dont blame the person, its you who did the asking. you know, hope for the best but expect the worst kinda thing. no one would describe me as pessimistic, and i dont think i am. but human beings are so amazingly fallible. even the best of people cannot take the right road every time. sometimes we will be selfish, sometimes arrogant, sometimes greedy. but the thing that is a deal breaker for me, the reason that i refuse to get married, is that no person can be honest, all the time. at least not any i have ever met. and i dont mean everyone is constantly throwing blatant lies around, to me not telling something you know you should is just as bad as a lie. i have tried my absolute best to be completely honest. i think that is why some people appreciate my writing, because there is nothing i would feel ashamed to share. the same reason i am able to earn respect in this crazy house i am living in. recently (i'll blog about it later when i figure out how to do it safely) i was in a situation with an individual who was drunk beyond anything i have ever seen. total loss of control emotionally, physically, a complete mess. ranting and raving and throwing ill-timed punches into empty air. but i grabbed this persons hair, yanked their face down to mine, made sure our eyes locked, and forced them to be aware of me. the reaction was astonishing, and makes me a little proud of how hard i have tried to be as close as family but still the authoritarian, at all times. instantly, the eyes focused and the yelling quieted. the look of total trust and respect was amazing. it also made it clear to me that this person as not a lost cause, but could be brought back to reality if done with patience.

im not trying to tout myself here, but that is something i have really tried to develop as i get older. i have always been an open book, probably too much so for some people's tastes, but there is no part of myself that i will try to bury so it wont be noticed. this includes my past, my dreams, my flaws. and it took me a little while to realize that it not only made people trust me, but i gained their respect as well. and since then i have tried even harder to always be exactly who i am. even in the workplace that should be more professional, once i have proven myself to be committed to doing my best, i take liberties that most people would not. my emails to bosses are still peppered with vulgarities, in japan i was wearing short sleeves within 2 months, in direct violation to the very strict "no visible tattoos" policy. because i knew it was bunk, my tattoos became a great talking point, funnily enough most often with the older housewives. i would explain why sakura appealed to me so much, how it represented different parts of my life. after the lesson the would look at me differently, i think because japan especially is a place where almost all honest personal information is kept below the surface, and one always "shows a good face". rules that are made to make people feel less offended, more comfortable, are just assuming that one cannot respect something that they arent used to, dont understand, or have had a negative experience with in the past. people really welcome naked honesty, and i think maybe because it is so rare.

even in relationships, sexual or platonic, i feel that if all information is shared completely, any type of relationship can be sustainable. straight married, gay married, committed, open, monogamous or not. if everyone has the truth at their fingertips, than they have no one to blame but themselves if they make a decision and it goes awry. if the relationship is built on truth in the beginning, there is no need to worry about infidelity if you tell your partner that you love them and want to be with them but still want the opportunity to be involved in other relationships. and the opposite is just as true, if a person is looking for a deep, committed, monogamous relationship, the other person had better not be bitching about things getting "too serious" if they were already made aware of the other persons intentions. and even if the one-off happens, a moment of weakness perhaps, the best thing to do is to is to bust out with it asap. because the lying is usually what hurts the most, at least for me.

of course i am an impossible individualist, i never put any sort of important decision in someone else's hands, or trust anyone to do as they say they will all the time. honestly, i have zero trust in people. when things get really rough, just about every time someone will cover their ass before they admit wrongdoing. this can be something as minor as breaking a shopping date or as major as infidelity. one of my biggest pet peeves is when there is a large group of people together an everyone gets excited about an activity (spending the next weekend at the beach perhaps), but everyone knows it is meaningless chatter. and im the one standing there with my beach chair and a lonely look on my face. i am a bit of an impetuous person, so if someone says (true story), "hey, you want to go to maui with me tomorrow", i say sure. at first they dont believe me, but when they become aware of my sincerity, they are pleasantly surprised. because it is such a rare thing.

now im not saying if things really got hairy for me, i would be able to be little miss goody two shoes. i have yet to be in a situation where i have really had to question if i could fess up to something. of course im not perfect, everyone falls through sometimes. i will keep a date even if i get a better offer (ha), but will tell them honestly if i have to break it for a job interview or something. but this i really the small stuff. when it comes to the big, the really big, i cannot understand why SO MANY PEOPLE cannot be totally honest. even when they are good people that you know love you. my ex-fiancée was very much in love with me when i found out he had slept with someone from work. but the lying to unsuccessfully cover it up is what really disgusted me. the people closest to me in my life fail time and time again to keep their word, and then they wonder later why it was so important to me anyway. no one can be all themselves, all honesty, all the time. well, why not?

i had a very good friend in hawaii who broke about 60% of the dates we would make. she drove me mad, but her personality was so adorable i always wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. but after a while it was just too much. why couldnt she say, "i'll try to go but ive got other stuff going on too", or "definitly, id love too, but you know me, i might always change my mind at the last minute." so much better than the "i swear this is the last time, it wont happen again."

so like i said, i put myself to a little test. i decided to see if i could commit to someone in a relationship, as in trust them at all times, and know that they will make decisions in regards to BOTH of us. i havent done this in many years. but in the end, i only ended up lying to myself. the person failed miserably, even after repeated chances, constantly chose the more selfish route and in the end admitted (after a telephone slip up forced it), that he had been unfaithful. actually not a big deal, we said we wouldnt date anyone else, but it hadnt been long, and things were always a bit rocky anyway. and this is where i was really lying. the person i chose to do this with, i already knew the exact outcome. i knew from the very beginning he would lie, because not only is it with the odds anyway, this person is particularly shady. so i touted to myself and others that after years, i was finally going to give someone an honest chance at a relationship. but i had never once expected anything but dishonesty, insincerity, and hurt. i guess its good in one way, because it hurt a lot less than if i had REALLY thrown it all in. but as always, i kept a good chunk out to rebuild from when it all went to shit. to him, i was honest, even about doubting my ability to trust, blah blah. but i lied to myself, that i would ever believe someone totally and completely. that when an individual told me something, especially about a touchy subject, that i would have no reason to doubt their word. and the knowledge of that kills me.

and i know its my fault that i feel like this. humans lie, cheat, fail, disappoint. who am i to expect perfection, i have innumerable flaws of my own. but why is it so difficult for people to just be honest about their intent, their actions and most importantly, who they really are? not a front or a farce, but sincerity that pervades all aspects of their lives. i know, i have MANY MANY flaws, i am not saying i am better or worse than anyone. but on this point, why is it so exceedingly rare to find absolute honesty. saving someones feelings or covering up your own indiscretions only serves to feed the beast that is insincerity. it doesnt always work out great, just recently i was contacted by an individual in a very unprofessionally worded email about a very serious topic. so in the first few sentences i explained that the position she was inquiring about took an intense amount of professionalism in the right places, and the greeting of "hey girl" was just inappropriate. (thank god it didt say hey gurl, i cringe just thinking it). but after that i wrote paragraph upon paragraph to answer all of her questions, and that even my first tirade was just a way to stay sane in this job. i got a very terse two sentence email in reply. obviously being myself and letting her know my true reactions to her email did not go over well. but i wouldnt change one thing. like when i first began to contemplate my tattoos, one of the biggest worries was about being denied a job because of them. but my dad said, "can you really see yourself working at a place that would have a problem?" and he was right, even the place that did have an issue allowed me my freedom once i showed my professionalism in other areas. if they came down on me after being an otherwise exemplary employee, i would have just left. because i want to be taken as i am.

so this is all a bit less cohesive than most of my writing, because this issue has to be dealt with logically and emotionally, and sometimes it is hard to get those two to meet. logically i know that there is a good chance a person that i allow to get very close to will use that same knowledge to hurt me deeply. so i think that is why i have really taken this stance of "always being who i am". because if i am totally open with everyone, i dont actually trust that anyone is doing that in return. prepare for everyone to disappoint, and you'll never be taken unaware, and you will always have a plan b in place. maybe that in itself is dishonest, to act like i see this as an even exchange when i am really expecting failure. and like i said, isnt it too much to ask anyway? i dont know, but i have met people may have been as sincere as i am looking for, but never became close enough to them to find out, i have a feeling there are a few. but when eventually meet someone i can unquestioningly put complete trust in, and we actually have enough of a relationship that would allow me to realize it, that will be a pretty awesome day. because i know that there are others out there that ache for the sincerity that although unlikely, is still possible. i mean, just think of those rare conversations when you meet someone and you want to know everything about them, and they about you, and you feel you almost cant cover the topics fast enough. its a it of a childish feelings, like best friends forever blech. but it is such a pure feeling, that you have no roadblocks, nothing stopping all of you from just spilling out and mixing it around with the things that make up that other person. i've had it a few times, even recently, but never had the opportunity to see if it is long lasting or just part of the exciting newness of a just made friend or romantic possibility. so if you are looking for that little bit of sincerity left in the world, first let it out yourself. be who you are, unabashedly and honestly, understanding and dealing with your flaws but wanting for the world to take you as you are.

but i did learn one thing from this little experiment. it is pointless to get angry at someone for letting you down. it is who they are, and you have to take it or leave it. so although i cant keep it from hurting, i can keep it from causing anger and frustration. is this another way to put up a defense? i dont know. but i do know it allows for only an expected hurt and sparing feelings of malevolence. not my first choice, but sometimes you have to take what you can get. but i am ever the optimist, i know there are others who are burning with a passion to open themselves up and be accepted for who they are. but thats the catch. can we really accept each other, down to the core, with all of our flaws and weaknesses? id like to think so, but then should i accept those who cannot be honest as trying to cope to the best of their ability. but once, just once, i would like to look someone in the eyes and feel total trust and respect. for those who manage it, giving it or finding it, kudos. but i'm still looking...

old days in new times

2010-06-01T12:40:00.001+07:00

so ive been living in this same little neighborhood for about 7 months, and i am finally starting to understand all the ins and outs. it brings me back to a time before walmarts, supermarkets, and mcdonalds. within a 15 minute walk from my house there is everything i could possibly need. mechanic, pharmacy, tailor (who didnt laugh at me when i brought him these ratty old jeans that had a huge hole in the crotch but i just loved too much to get rid of), fruits and veg, rice, and meat market, complete with pigs head hanging from hooks and catfish that are literally bigger than me. but it doesnt end there, if you need a hardware store, there are 3 within walking distance. a new door detailed by a skilled woodworker, a paint job for your scooter, a car wash, even a gay massage parlor and the requisite karaoke clubs with the girls withing outside to invite customers for a little...fun. when i first got here i was going all over the city to get things done, because they were places that spoke english, or were just very obvious. these small stores here often have no signage, but if they do i cant read it anyway. so i have to walk into the shop to see what they are actually selling. the fact that i have started language lessons helps, but passing these places everyday to go to the outdoor food market, i finally got curious enough to start bringing my business closer to home. so last week i got my jeans taken care of, yesterday i walked into the barber shop directly across the street from my house. he was all worried, saying he couldnt cut my hair. but it was just getting a little mulletish in the back, so i told him to just clean it up like he would for any man. he did, it was perfect, and it cost me the equivalent of 1 US dollar. our dvd player got repaired, and i can have any kind of local food i want, there are stalls, stands, and tiny little restaurants everywhere. now this does have its small drawbacks, like everyone knows who i am because i am the only white girl in the neighborhood. and our gas ran out for the stove, and normally when you give them a call, 15 minutes later a scooter pulls up with a new tank. but today being a sunday, they are closed. and this country has more national holidays than any place i have been, so at least every two weeks there is some holiday for which everything but the food places are shut. i found that out the hard way when i took a 13 hour train ride to get a new visa, and found out it was a holiday and i would be waiting around an extra day.

these stores are cheaper with most items than the big supermarkets i can take the subway to, but not always. obviously they have limited time and customer base. but the feeling on living in an actual neighborhood is great. i mean, its cool living on a cul-de-sac and playing with all of your friends that live around you in suburbia, like i did when i was young. but this is just such a different type of feeling. most places i walk into are pulling what they know i need off of the shelf before i can get both feet in the door. and everyone knows everyone, a little gossipy but more just in the way that you just know what everyone does for a living, if they are married or not. most people pass the time sitting out in front of their business chatting to the other shop owners around them. there is always a relaxed tone atmosphere that settles down over this place, and makes you feel welcome, even as an outsider.

recently i was talking to someone who works i work with that has a an important job with the US government, and she ranted on about how stupid these people (locals) are, how they have no drive, have servile attitudes yet are too incompetent to get anything done properly. i do have to admit that critical analysis seems beyond some of the people i have met. but just because they only worry about making enough money to put food on the table and keep a roof overhead, does not make them less worthy as people. they may not be busting their ass at some shitty job so they can buy a 56 inch flat screen tv. obviously this is going to be appealing to me, since everything i own can fit into a few boxes in my moms garage. and moving out here for at least a year i only brought one bag of clothes and a suitcase full of books (my one materialistic need). but the influence of western culture is seeping in, and in a not so great kinda way. for example, of my friends here drives this totally customized truck, has the newest phone, and a decent apartment. turns out he bought it all on credit. and he can keep up with the payments at all because a huge portion goes to supporting his mother and little sister. he is the most stressed person i have met out here, and its all about money. and yes, there are people who are poor, homeless, and forgotten. but like a taxi driver said to me once, nobody is starving in this country, because there are always people willing to dole out enough food.

now im not trying to bash on the industrialized nations...much. i mean, i love japan and they are the epitome of working to the full extent of their ability and not being able to enjoy the fruits of their labor at all. and i know that when i go to the pharmacy, the pills here may be made in this country now, but were originally developed in a country of workaholics. as for higher education, obviously im all for it, i have always loved school and will probably go back for my PhD. but it takes all kinds to make the world go round, and i have met people here that have offered to let me into their metalwork/jewelery making classes, or teach me the finer aspects of the local cooking. there are a lot of things i could learn here that would be way more useful than say...a communications degree. so i appreciate the fact that there are people out there who want to push the limits of mankinds abilities farther and farther. but what makes it grotesque is how it is all about money. free market economy, chain stores putting people out of business, banks trading bogus mortgages. here, i never get the feeling that people are out to get anything more than the basics of what they need. some are more ambitious, like my friend who works two jobs so he can build a house on his familys rice farm. and some are less so, they are basically servants for a more wealthy family. but even the guy that lives up the street that owns a taxi company lives in a very inauspicious house, and it took me forever to realize that the older woman in the house was the servant, and not the grandmother. the only thing ive seen her doing when she's not out chatting on the stoop, is laundry. and im assuming she does the cooking as well. she is most definitely treated as one of the family.

of course its not always like this. i became friends with the wife of an older man who was of mixed ethnicity (sorry, cant say which), who are known to be more wealthy than the average local, and take advantage of the business opportunities in this country. when i visited their 5 story house, i handed a bag or grapes to my friend (a rare treat), who then basically threw them at her maid and told her to wash them and bring them out with some tea. the rest of the time the woman sat in a chair in the darkened kitchen, just waiting to be told what to do next. i was a bit creeped out. but i also knew my friend is incredibly kind and compassionate, she adopted an abandoned baby after seeing him on a news report. so its definitely a mixed bag here. i can only glean information from my own neighborhood, but it seems that most people are pretty happy with their lot and not in a hurry to change anything or expand their business. there is this local bag designer that i love (i have mentioned his bags in a previous post) and numerous times i have asked him why he doesnt make a weekender bag, since his other stuff is so great and he's got tons of different styles and sizes, but his biggest is a touch to small for a weekend trip (well, at least if you re like me and need 3 books with you at all times). and he just replies, well, i really dont have the space to keep them. he is interested in his bags getting out there of course, and he works very hard, but he still has the same attitude that making money is not going to control his lifestyle.

i wonder at what point in history did humans begin to need things. there's the little things like the latest iphone, or bigger things like an escalade in the driveway parked next your rv/speedboat, whatever. and im not trying to be hypocritical here, i grew up as a girl camping most summers, driving around my old beat bronco, learning how to wakeboard, and in the winter, snowboard. but these (in my opinion) are about the activity, not the stuff surrounding it. now if i was buying new gear every season or drove my SUV nowhere but on the pavement, thats one thing. but experiencing the joy that comes with physical or self reliant activities is hard to beat, for me at least. but being here, i cant really wakeboard or snowboard, and i know it would be fun if i could, but i dont miss it. the only thing i really miss is not having a motorcycle for the first time in 14 years. but when i get the rare opportunity, i can rent one for the day and drive through the mountains and see hilltribes, temples, and beautiful, unspoilt green earth.

so the people living here i really think are getting more enjoyment out of their lives by not being so obsessed with materialism. but i am not immune, im trying to find a used ipod touch since my 6 year old ipod is on its last legs. but in all my life i have never had a job that i made enough money where i would actually have to file taxes. and i have snowboarded the mountains of nagano, surfed the waves at browns in hawaii, and camped in the most fantastically beautiful places known to man, like yakushima island, the grand tetons, the na pali coast, and one right out my backyard (in the states), joshua tree. i have lived dozens on lives, and feel fortunate to have gone through all of it. but now, for the first time, i live in a place where my job is my life. but not for the money (obviously, there is none), for the joy of the work and the passion i feel for this cause and the love of this country. while my dates might never have enough money to do more than sit under the stars at a street restaurant or walk the markets to see all the crazy stuff, thats fine by me. heck, the best date of my life was when a guy took me to a used bookstore. recently i was offered an all expenses paid trip to india by a young man i barely know (i know him well enough that im sure hes not dangerous or anything), but i know he wants me to go as his girlfriend, and i could never see him that way, and to act it out just for a trip seems ridiculous. and my gangster friend here has offered many times to buy that new ipod touch i have been saving up for. i dont remember the last time a guy paid for my movie ticket, let alone electronics. but its almost to a detriment, like when i was on my recent visa run, a man that i had met on the train who was really nice and friendly, handed the taxi driver both my and his share of the cost of the trip (there were like 6 of us). i immediately dug out my share from my wallet and handed it to him, and both he and another guy were like "wow, independent to the last dime are we?". so maybe i should accept just a smidge more of generosity when it is given with good intension.

but it is rare here that i will have to deal with that. i am plenty happy that most of my days are now old school haggle market shopping, taking 2 hour walks for the relaxation in brings, and learning a bit about the new culture, language, life. i will probably never own my own home or vehicle besides a motorcycle, but those things just arent important to me, nor can i see them being all that important in the future. sure, maybe i'll buy a house together with a bunch of friends like a co-op or something. but my largest purchase in 7 months was language lessons, at about $90. as for an actual thing, i cant have bought anything over 20 bucks. so if living this lifestyle here is having no drive or ambition, than i am happy to be a called aimless or indolent. but i spend my days doing the most purposeful and exciting thing in the world, supporting people who are after there own freedom. and whatever they do with that freedom, from jumping on the flashy materialist bandwagon to helping others who are like them reach their goals, it matters not. because, like i said, we need all types to further science, industry, an so on. but i sure am contented with my type has turned out to be. it shows itself in my japanese name, kokaku kino which means a lone traveler and the scent of leaves and new wood. i'll take it.

cut it with the cheeseball bullshizz already!

2010-05-18T23:04:00.004+07:00

ok, im still gagging on my last 2 posts, they were so syrupy sweet. so i want to post on something that initially seems like it would be all about love, but in actuality is mostly about egoism and vanity. that right folks, its time to talk about dating. dating in all of its forms, the anticipation of a long held crush to the ho stroll you make back to your place after a night of wishingly forgettable sex. but we'll narrow the field here a little bit by focusing on foreign dating. yes, to me and many others ALL dating is a foreign thing, but im talking about dating a race other than your own, and even more specifically, where it is you who is the foreigner

dating in foreign countries adds a whole other dimension of awkwardness to an already nerve-wracking experience. its not without its benefits of course, you get to experience new cultures, have fun finding out the different rules of dating etiquette, and cracking up as you both thumb through your dictionaries to find a common feeling. and of course if you more are attracted to those of an ethnicity other than your own (like i am) double bonus! but the humiliating misunderstandings and regrettable maybe it wouldn't hurt to give it a chance-es will take years to be able to laugh about. years and years. but in the end, so totally worth it.

insert: my most humiliating moment. i was with a guy doing something guys i have known in the past usually like. a lot. nothing crazy or weird, pretty standard. but all of a sudden this guy gives me the most contemptuous look, and says how dirty i am. it was horrifying. i was sick about it for days (ok, hours). luckily in talking with other japanese men, turns out this guy was just a fucking asshole, and while this possibly may have been a cultural thing ages ago, but his reaction was totally out of line. i was relieved, but held off on physical contact for a while. end insert

anyway, in japan i was in metrosexual heaven. there was the grungy guy with the perfectly selected torn jeans, 80's punk band shirt, and the ability to grow just a hint of stubble (so rare in japan). then there was the amazingly quaffed pop idol look, with anime hair worthy hair, the pointiest of boots, and a smile that could make any girl blush. but alas, being a foreigner (who is also quite loud and brash), sometimes it was a bit difficult to get a date. and when i did, they just thought all white chicks put out, so they thought they found a sure thing. so most of the guys i dated i did the asking. and i have no qualms about that. ive been politely shirked a couple of times, but on the whole i usually get what i'm after. but as i know i will never be in one place for long, its pretty much a given that if we start getting along a little too well, i have to give them the, hey, you know im here for a year, two tops, right? which then goes one of two ways. the guy says he is fine with it, but really isnt. and they guy who says he is fine with it, and really is. i dont know which i prefer. the guy i dated the longest in japan was one of my physical therapists. and we had agreed it was casual. but when another guy asked me out, and i asked #1 if it was ok and he was like, sure, i was nonplussed. im terrible. i want a guy to fall in love with me, even if i only moderately like him, and yet him to be ready to let go at a moments notice. what a cruel bitch.

so thats actually what i have on my plate right now. there is a beautiful local man whom i started dating because i heard he was a player. players are handsome, easy to deal with, you both know what he wants, and he's good at what he does (hopefully). and at first he seemed to fit the player profile. didn't show up when he said he would, drove a ridiculous car with like 4 amps, and had the most charming smile i have seen in many a year. so i thought i had set myself up nicely. but when we hung out it was just dinner at home together, playing a little ping pong, and then...that was it. a kiss on the cheek and an affectionate look was all i was getting. hmm, this wasnt playing out as i had hoped. but it finally gave me the goal to start taking language lessons, cause btw he speaks no english. and i need a tangible reason to study. and boy is he ever tangible. but after a while i start getting pissed. finally, i was like, ok, you are a big freaking liar, you never show up when you say you will, the neighbors have seen you with other girls on your bike, and you obviously dont even find me attractive cause ive gotten more play from my body pillow. then the truth all comes out, so unexpectedly i cold only stare in bewilderment. so i knew he was broke and only worked with his mother selling fruit. but it turns out he was too embarrassed to tell me that he also drives taxis at night. and not only does he have a car he cant afford, 40% of his salary goes into a house he is building himself on his family rice farm in the northeast (i have verified this from gossipy outside sources). but here's the kicker. i said, well, you asked me to be your 'girlfriend', but what do you really want from me? i could not have been more dumbfounded with his answer. he told me that he loves me and if i love him and we still love each other in 1, 2, 3 years, we will move up north together and get married. WHAT????? i didnt even know this guy was serious about me. hell, the day before this conversation i went on a date with this kinda scary gangster just cause i was so upset that he didnt show up when he said he would yet again. (which was a mistake btw, although i knew that going into it. even if you refuse all gifts or privileges offered by a gangster, they are still used to getting what they want).

so now i am totally at a loss. i cant say i love him, i dont even know what that word means. seriously, our conversations are ridiculously simple with my inadequate language skills. we know nothing of each others pasts, although we know each others future goals. (A FUCKING RICE FARM!). ha, actually, i really like farming. i cant even have sex with him because he is pretty traditional and thinks it shows respect to wait (my language teacher has also been giving me insights into the local men, even though he does it with a red face and a stutter). and the local culture isnt really even into kissing, affectionate touching, which i think is almost the only reason to have a boyfriend. hell, i havent allowed a man to call me his 'girlfriend' in over 6 years. but there is one thing that has kept me from calling it all off, even though i have wanted to many times. i have had guys i liked, thought i loved, and one i loved for a while. but when i look at this man, it feels like the amazing burden of this job, this lifestyle, this 24 hour a day mind fuck, has been lifted from my chest. my heart feels light, and when he smiles at me i feel just a tiny bit of peace. i dont know what the fuck any of this means. its probably cause he's got an amazing smile and i cant understand the dumbass words coming out of his mouth. but there is the tiniest chance that its something else. now, im not going to move north and live on a rice farm, i will be out of this country in two years, tops, just like always. but it does give me pause to think about how so many people have qualities that you feel on a core level, even if you cant really explain why. even coming from different cultures, backgrounds, languages, families, sometimes there really are kindred 'spirits'. sexually, non sexually, there are many people whom i meet for the briefest of moments and yet remember them for a lifetime. but to marry someone, to promise to grow together, when you dont even know how you will grow yourself? i barely like who i was 10 years ago, why should i expect another to do so. i dont know, it seems so arrogant to make such a promise. but if he asked me to come live with him on his farm as his partner in love and life until we decided to part, who knows what i might say. there could be worse things than this:

day by day

2010-05-18T18:32:00.002+07:00

the thing that sucks about writing this blog is that all of the really cool stuff that happens, like holidays, or local events, some good and others just democratically inspiring, i cant write about them for safety reasons. we had a festival that i know for a fact for some of the family here it was absolutely the most fun they had ever had in their lives. one of them came to me later saying, "i wasnt happy (in my home country). i wasnt happy in the home i tried to build later. today i am happy, first time". this in broken english was enough to get a hard heart like mine to melt just a little. the unique opportunities afforded to me in this life have allowed me the knowledge of the pain, suffering, and cruel things of which a person is capable. but it has allowed me to feel the depth of honesty, frailty, compassion, and love of which a person can be capable as well. i know i harp on it, but one of the hardest times in my life was the year in a japanese hospital. but my physical therapist saw my determination and was willing to push me even harder. we would actually both be crying during therapy session, me from the pain, and her from her willingness to push even harder when i begged her to. she is such an honestly empathetic person, someone so pure of heart i cant believe i will meet the likes of her again. but i know i will.

i sit here at my desk, legs folded under me, in a tank top and undies because of the heat. as it is evening and my window is westward facing, the shafts of sunlight are filtering their way through the leaves of the large tree outside my window (where many noisy, early rising birds live). i can hear some laughs form downstairs, a few watching a dvd together or something. but i know its not everyone because i can also hear the gentle sweeping of the old bamboo broom. the yard is beautiful, everyone cleaned it of the years of accumulated leaves as a surprise while i was at my language lesson. there is ping pong table, dart board, kiddy pool, and the jankiest basketball hoop in existence (i cut the bottom out of a washtub and lashed it to an dry old tree). inside we have learning materials, toys, games, and a houseful of people who love each other. i know my last post was corny as hell, but sometimes these things need to be said. because when im talking politics to my dad on skype (which we do often) we often reach the point where it seems like, why even make the effort? things are so fucked up, and there are so many people out there with too much power who deserve a good bash in the god damned skull. how can you ever help enough? when does it become sacrifice? how much should each person be expected to give? i have no idea about the answers to these questions. i have a habit of being quite the judgmental bitch, but who am i to determine that you aren't doing your part. all i know is i have lived my life doing what seemed (and in this order) fun, educational, and acting on behalf of others when i have a say and they may not, whether it be environmental or civil rights. and really, it has always been about the fun. its not like im saying if this job wasnt fun tomorrow, i'd be taking off (cause there are plenty of days this job is the antithesis of fun). but its about taking whats important to you, looking for that well hidden niche that you can fill with your everyday skills yet gives you more than an everyday kind of feeling. i am no prodigy, i have a slightly above average iq and the benefit of not incurring the loss of idealism that seems to come with age. i am no saint; i cuss and have occasional random sex and am selfish as often as the next average joe. but i have found a thing, maybe the thing, i dont know, that has allowed my to do decent work and still live every day with excitement, anxiety, love, hope,and heartbreak, but to like an extreme level. like off the charts. my efforts are not world changing, but they are life changing, even if it is just my own.

true family

2010-04-16T23:37:00.006+07:00

i know, i know, i have been terrible about blogging lately. because things in the house have changed so much recently, so many crazy things going on, not the least of which getting two abandoned children in the house (they are not related). it was quite a shock, and their journey here was one of deceit and intentional miscommunication. i swear to you, if i ever meet the person who is responsible for this again, i will punch him as hard as i can in the fucking face. i have never had such a want to physically injure someone, but i can feel it in my gut. and trust me, it would be justified. anyway, so now we have a couple of kids that we, at this point in time, have to raise. not to help, or watch out for, but to educate-shelter-love-discipline. we are their family, for a little while. this is really strange for me, as most of you know i have never wanted children. thats not to say that im not good with kids, because i kinda am. i will play the same way they play, even if it means rolling on the ground or getting play-dough in my hair or stopping my work to built a fort. but i am also a hard ass, and have no trouble disciplining them when they need it. and EVERYONE in the house has a pretty limited common sense, as they have been living in such a crazy, nonsensical world for so long. so age 23 or 6, its all about the same.

but there are unique challenges that come with kids, having to always put their needs first, having to be at least partially aware of what they are doing 100% of the time. they are expensive, emotional, and erratic. but they are also huggy, giggly, innocent, and all the things that make you willing to put everything aside for them. the littlest is also handicapped, so communicating with her has been a whole other issue. but when she giggles and grabs on to you, its such an example of unconditional love. on both sides. which i might feel stronger than i ever have before. i know i am not their mother (although if i could i would consider adopting them), and i am fully aware that the youngest probably will forget i even exist as she grows up. which honestly doesnt bother me one bit. of course i would love to know about their lives in the future, who they become. on their end i know the relationship may be fleeting, but for the present i consider myself undeservedly fortunate to fill the role of their mother, father, friend, whatever they need. when the children first came into the house i was very worried that some of the other people here might not want to deal with the shared burden of raising two kids. two very emotionally damaged kids. and honestly, it was tough, for the first time since i have been out here i felt really stressed. but everyone has manned up and taken their share of the responsibility. even to the point that now its not an issue at all, we all feel fortunate that they came to us, and couldnt imagine the house without them. i wanted to send them on their way asap, but now the idea of long term care seems like a gift. but its borrowed time, i know.

i heard a lot of horror stories about living/working here. and i can only imagine the difficulties that my predecessors had to deal with. but every individual to come here has been a wonderful addition, like there was a hole that needed to be filled by their presence. thats not to say we dont have our troubles. i am the dominant one in the house, everyone knows what i say goes. im usually so brash and loud, so if i get quiet and serious, they are not just worried, they are a little scared. which is a good thing, someone had to take that role here, and im glad to do it. my word is law in this house, and is unquestioned. but recently for the first time someone doubted the reasoning behind some of my decisions. this is fine, sometimes they dont, or cant, know the whole story, i am usually glad to explain why certain situations go as they do. but this individual was actually putting the house at risk with his actions. so for the first time, i brought out the big guns. i got nose to nose with him and cursed in his face. i expressed so much anger that i was shaking. i ranted about his selfishness and attitude. not that he understood it, he doesnt speak a lick of english. but he got my meaning. i have never seen someone go from belligerent to docile so quickly. the other people in the house that witnessed it were terrified. when asked later, they said that if i had done that to them, they felt they were not fit to be human. but as soon as he calmed down, i explained logically and clearly (with an interpretor of course) the reason for my outburst and the fact that safety is my number one priority here. then i walked it back and told him quite a bit of personal information about myself, why i am here, what i have faced. he was astonished, he had no idea who i was, or really even why i was there (he is the newest addition, and a standoffish male, so we havent really bonded yet). he understood that i could empathize with his situation, that my efforts were 100% for his, and everyones, well being. i then explained to him the reasoning behind a lot of my decisions that he was doubting. i think (hope) that he fully comprehends why he has to follow my word no matter what the situation. we hugged it out, very honestly and deeply. i told him he was my family, and i would do everything i could to secure a good future for him. so even though i had just gone off on him in the strongest way i could (okay, maybe like 80%), we came to a better understanding than we ever had before. neither of us bares a grudge, and we get along just fine.

i have no fantasy that we all have this amazing bond that will last a lifetime. we will go our separate ways as soon as it is possible, and will have little, if any, contact. but when the littlest one comes in to call me for dinner, and we all gather around the table and laugh, joke, talk, emote, whatever, it really and truly is my family that i am with. my lifestyle does not lend itself well to long term relationships. but what i lack in time i make up for in sincerity. whether they know it or not, i would die to keep these people safe. they are my life, my loves, my friends, and my true family. most of them have been spurned or treated cruelly in their past homes. but here, i know that some of them feel safe for the first time. now im not trying to tout myself as this selfless, heroic individual. not at all. the deep feelings i have may or may not be reciprocated. but that is not the point. when we sit down together, we have a bond as strong as any blood related family might have. i am so humbled that i am able to have these relationships, so fortunate as to be even a whisper in their lives. in the past i have struggled with my decisions to never stay in one place long enough to build long term relationships, but this makes up for it all. like i said, its the quality, not quantity. and that they will go on to build their own families in the future makes me so contented. it is a struggle for everyone here, and one of the things i told them is that i understand that we see the worst sides of each other, even worse than usual because of the very out of the ordinary situation we are all in. but that makes it even more real, and more amazing that we care for each other so much. so i can no longer wonder if when i come to the end of my life, will i have ever had children or a family. because i have it now, and to me it is just as sacred as any blood family, and i will cherish it while i have the opportunity.

so for all the people that dont have a loving family, or are worried about being alone, know that there are people out there who will live and die beside you, if thats what it takes. they may not have your skin color or upbringing, but they will be willing to build an amazingly close relationship with you, and share parts of themselves that they would never share with an outsider. and that is honestly more important than blood family, isnt it? because we could opt out of this family if we wanted to. but we dont, because we know that we are the closest people we have to each other. so i am immensely appreciative of the time we have together, and of the people that i can call my sister, brother, son or daughter. even if it is just a stepping stone for them, it is a necessary one, because they would not reach the other side without it. and now it has become more than it being my duty to shelter them, it is my hearts greatest wish to see them succeed and create happy and healthy lives. my family is here, and although it is not permanent, it will be part of who i am for my entire life.

happy ada lovelace day!

2010-03-24T15:07:00.002+07:00

like most internet trolls out there, i manage to come across the most interesting and amazing subcultures. by and large that has to be my favorite thing about the internet. i am by no means tech savvy, culture savvy, or socially savvy. hell, i can barely function in social situations enough to not spill a drink on myself or unknowingly talk shit about a guy to his girlfriends face. so i dont often find myself in art galleries saying oh how droll thaddeus, you are such a rascal! nor do i sit outside hipster bookstores complaining that banksy is just the next shepherd fairey, exchanging his politically inflammatory and damnable art for that which the masses can appreciate and feel a part of the underground culture. and then they buy coffee table books of the street art to put on their ikea tables next to their dwell magazines.

but back on topic. the internet allows for the dissemination of intellectual discourse even for the most unsociable. recently, through my normal habit of following links from a musician interview to his fav bands to their favorite webpages (with a few quick stops at wikipedia to remind myself what a selective seratonin re-uptake inhibitor is; not kidding, that was my last wikipedia search). by and by i found a website called finding ada. its all about ada lovelace, and how she wrote the first computer programs for the first computer that was more than a calculator, the analytical engine. she has been called the first computer programmer, and the modern computer programming language is named ada. so today, march 24, is ada lovelace day. to commemorate this special day we are taking the time to bring attention to other unsung women in the world of technology. at findingada.com, thousands of people are writing about a woman they think has made an important contribution to technology today. so here goes mine.

i hope no one gets snippy, but the woman i chose did not actually have much hands on work in the field of technology. but nevertheless, without her we would be years, maybe decades behind in the fields of gene therapy, cloning, even the polio vaccine. although she died in 1951, she has been in the news recently because of a new book called the immortal life of henrietta lacks by rebecca skloot. ms skloot was on the colbert report recently to discuss her new book, a clip of which can be found here. to explain in just a few sentences, when henrietta lacks was treated at a hospital for cervical cancer, some of her cells were removed to be studied later (without her knowledge). possibly because of inadequate treatment, her body became riddled with tumors and she died at the age of 31. but upon studying her cells, it quickly became apparent that they did not die soon after division, basically they were immortal cells. these cells were able to then be used to create vaccines, were the first cells to be cloned, and were even shot into space (a nice timeline can be found here). her family was not told until years later, and seemingly have received no compensation. the only legacy is that the cell line is called HeLa. for more specifics on how the science of genetics and immortal cells work, i suggest checking out the new book. i know i will, as soon as i live in a country that has it available :) or of course you can spend the day on wikipedia, going from link to link, until the work day is done.

so maybe ms lacks did not create any major technology by her brainpower or ingenuity. however, the cancer that ended her life has saved thousands, if not millions of others. so we will give back in the only way we know how, buy spreading your story and your sacrifice. even though you were buried in an unmarked grave, the people that know your direct impact on science and technology that continues today, we will remember you in our hearts.

we heart tees!

2010-03-16T21:56:00.004+07:00

ok, since my last blog posts have been waaaayyyy to heavy, here's a nice little break. this post is all about how to show some sweet love to that soft cotton gently caressing your skin. i love laundry, and i love my tees, and i want them to last. so here is how i have found to best take care of your since-broken-up band t shirts, ones you got that proudly show you have been to gainsville florida or niagara falls, or one from that boy/girl friend that broke your heart and left you but forgot their shirt, and you still sleep with it every night. although, be warned, washing will remove the boy/girlfriend smell, so if you are really that creepy, do not follow this advice. instead, go get yourself laid.

t shirt care starts as soon as you take of your shirt. forget what your mother told you about putting all your shirts right side out so she doesnt have to do it when folding. dont. take the shirt off over your head like a normal person and leave it inside out. this will be important for both the washing and drying steps.

alright, the wash. do separate colors, at least to some extent. if all you listen to is metal, i'll assume all you have is black. but for those of us with more diverse interests, remember that your whites will really look blah if you just throw it all together. for detergent, i have never really found that the detergent matters much, but thats just me. just something mild, colorsafe if you want, but i dont bother. just dont use very much of it. seriously, like 1/4 of what is recommended on the package. put it on a gentle cycle with cool water, and let it go. chose a short cycle time. now, the reason it is best to have the shirt inside out is the design on the outside will be protected from rubbing up on everything as it is sloshing around in there. also, if something got in the wash that you didnt mean to, something that was in a pocket or something, if it stains the shirt it will hopefully just be on the inside of the shirt. it may leak through, but hey, youve got a better shot this way.

drying.

ok, drying is the most important part to protect your beloved t. now, living in asia, i have gotten used to line-drying my clothes for years, because people rarely have dryers. it is cheaper, more eco friendly, your clothes dont wear out as fast and they dont shrink. if you cant be bothered to line dry, stop reading right now cause i dont give fuck about your laziness. others more inclined, follow along. now, if you do have a washer that will do a quick spin to get rid of the excess water, you can use that. then take your wet shirts to your line. your line should be in the direct sunlight if you live in a humid or cold area, indirect if you live in a very hot, dry location. i dont like to hang the shirts on a hanger, because i am a girl and i dont want them too long if they stretch. so i hang them on a drying hanger or rack thing, usually used for towels. its great cause i can hang a bunch together. now, when you hang them, the inside of the shirt is out, and the front should be facing down, so if anything touches them, or the line is dirty, or you forget and leave your clothes out for days and days and they get sun bleached, its the inside of the back of the shirt that gets messed up. leave them there for as little time as possible as to avoid sun damage, but make sure they are totally dry. you dont want them getting mildewy later.

ok, time to fold. now is the time to turn the shirt right side in again. i used to just leave them inside out at this step, because i liked to grab a shirt at random not knowing whet it was, and wear whatever i got. but is a reason to turn them out. obviously, if you can see the design you can find the shirt you are looking for. but the more important reason in this: you know when your shirt with a vinyl design starts to get cracks? that is from both the dryer and from folding. you can see sometimes the cracks are right around the middle, because that is a fold line. to reduce the fold line as much as possible, the vinyl should be as far away from the crease as it can be, which means the shirt should be folded right side in with the front (or design side) folded to the outside. it would be better to fold in thirds, but they always seem to get messed up on my shelf that way, so i like to fold them in quarters. so grab the bottom corners of the shirt so it is upside down, shake out the wrinkles (this will also line up the seams, and fold in half and then in half the other way. now you can see the design, and i recommend putting them all in the same direction so when you stack them they are easier to look through.

now, this is obviously not the best way to protect a shirt., its just the best way with my particular means. if you wanted, you could hang them (but i dont like the shoulder points), or lay them all flat (i dont have the room). basically i wrote this because every time i do laundry i have a reason for each step, and i wanted to organize it. this is clearly not important at all, but it really does work. i have tshirts that i absolutely love, and i know they will wear out eventually, but i want to wear them for as long as possible. i know the vintage look is in, but i dont want that fir my colorful, artsy t shirts.

oh, and another thing i noticed is that messenger bags or any bags that go across your chest will wear out a vinyl design if the shirt is not of the highest quality. there are tons of awesome small time t shirt designers where i live, but a lot of the time the shirt quality is sub par. so i am extra careful with these. this is my most recent favorite.

hope my rediculous method of caring for t's has helped someone out there. probably not, cause if you havent already figured this out for yourself, or have your own method, then you probably couldnt care less. but i realize i do so many things in my life pragmatically (even if my reasoning is sometimes incorrect), maybe i should keep track of just how loony i am. so there you go.

your mission should you choose to accept it is...wait.

2010-03-09T20:46:00.005+07:00

so the last mission was hectic, full-blast craziness. 4 of us with 6 packages for pickup, missed timing, police, the whole bit. this mission was the antithesis, 8 days of my partner in crime and i waiting and waiting, and yup, you guessed it, waiting. the lunar new year had made crossing more tricky than expected, and so every day we got a call that there was no movement yet. we went a little stir crazy with cabin fever, stuck in a hotel room, informing the front desk that we would be there just one more night. and one more. and so on. (conspicuous much?) anyway, i did take the initiative to see some of the amazingly beautiful landscape around us since i had the time. i cant really show many pictures or go into too much detail (for obvious reasons), but i can tell you it was stunning. i saw the sparkliest temple in existence, gorgeous organic tea plantations (and im a bit of a tea nut), beautiful waterfalls, and some amazing ethnic villages.
i rented a motorcycle and rode some ridge trails, and got to get really off the beaten path to see an incredible range of villages whos inhabitants had rarely seen a foreigner. if i stopped for a drink, the whole town would gather round, and even just riding through the main road, an entire soccer game stopped to watch me go by. neat, but a bit odd. i finally had to turn around at one point when i found myself climbing a super rocky hill alone on the bike, in a tank top with no proper shoes, having no clue where i was. i hated turning around before i found where this road went, and of course in doing so i dropped the bike and reduced the clutch lever to the 2 finger variety. i knew i should have just kept going! but for once i played it safe and returned to the hotel unharmed.

when we finally got the call for the pick up, our packages were waiting for us nearby. it was just a mother hen and her youngin that we were taking, but there were also a couple others there that had been part of another group that we were not allowed to take with us because they were part of a different program (weird, i know). this was the most heartbreaking thing i had seen since starting this job. here we were, seemingly hand-picking these two to take to safety, and telling the others that they had to make their own way. there was no risk for them at this point, eventually they would all end up at the same place to get processed. but of course they didnt really know that, the tears were freely flowing, and they were breaking down into near hysteria. i think it was a decision on our part that should be made differently next time. but we are all new at this, and it is part of a learning process all the way around. anyway, once the four of us got into the car, it was a quick hop into the car and a leisurely (with a few tense points at police checkpoints) 12 hour drive back home to safety. now im not usually a kid person, and the thought of having a little sticky handed, whining brat in the house was not that appealing to me. but this kid turned out to be crazy smart and totally hilarious. he would mimic my english perfectly while we played our own version of chess (he somehow managed to win every game). i watched him carefully examine a tripod, checking each knob and joint before returning it to its original state. and his mom man, this chick was fierce, and i mean that in the best way possible. they were going on to ROK and not the US, so they would be staying in the "waiting" prison. she knew her energetic son would have a difficult time, so she loaded up on games and toys, and prepared the best that she could. we were disappointed they werent going to be staying with us for more than a few days, but she had family in south korea, and was set on going there. it was probably the right decision, but it sure would have been a lively house with such a little character here.

so there are obvious flaws in the process as of now, a big one being communication of timing. sometimes we are hours late, other times days early. but its also exciting to be involved at a time when the protocol is literally being written. after every mission we will understand more about what works and what doesnt, and how to be as prepared as possible. i was asked in an interview recently if this procedure seemed sustainable. well, there are a million ways we could improve it, and we will, one at a time. but how sustainable do we really want it to be? i mean, isnt half the point of this to create enough awareness so that the prison doors will soon swing open? if this process has to be sustainable for very long, we are not doing our job on other fronts of the fight. so lets keep that awareness spreading, and put me out of a job as quickly as possible.

new moon to full moon and love love love

2010-03-08T22:11:00.005+07:00

so my last blog post may have seemed a bit disjointed, we got the call for the next mission literally as i was typing it up. so i didnt get to finish the half that i wanted to write for valentines day and how much i adore and appreciate all of my friends with their unique attributes and amazing qualities. i'll focus on that here, and leave the next blog post for the discussion of the most recent mission. here we go!!!

one of the greatest blessings of my life has been all of the inspiring, dedicated, talented people i have met over the miles and years. and of course, most of them dont even realize how effin awesome they are. and it can start in a flash, a chance meeting that leaves me stunned with amazement about the fantastic person i just met. (i know this will all sound ridiculously gushy, but hey, i missed v-day so i get to let it out.) anyway, for example theres amy lee, whom i met just crashing on her couch one night when i was on tour in the states for this non-profit, and after a few hours of chatting about our goals, ambitions, fears, i knew she would forever be in my heart. kismet is the only word. of course im sure it will be like most of the people in my life, we will connect off and on as long as i am in the same country,or at least work in the same group. but as time goes we will have even bigger dreams we are working on, and think of each other only with sweet reminiscence. but thats okay. because already in the months of knowing her she has encouraged and propelled me in my own work, and brightened my life in having a small glimpse at her realizing her own goals. she is selfless without being a martyr, and driven without bring aggressive. i am fortunate for having known her, and look forward to following what i know will be a successful career and a beautiful life, even if i am not there to share it with her. and to sweeten it even further, she is now dating one of my favorite men. clay, a man that is so gentle and kind but still exudes a comforting masculinity, he is a rarity. i joked on my facebook that i think i may be happier that they are dating than any relationship i could have of my own, but i think it is actually true (no pressure guys).

i promise not to wax nostalgic about all of my wonderful friends, but just a few words while i am feeling such a rare explosion of emotion. teddy, i miss you so much, there's no one else i can love the ocean as much with, and then go back and be catty about the bitches on project runway. lila, you will find what you are looking for, i promise. you are too rich of character to languish without direction, if you dont find it, it will most assuredly find you. adam, for the first time with anyone i think i am not as envious of your life as envious of those who get to share it with you. kaz, i should tell you every day how much you mean to me. you are the best and truest friend a person could have. i did not remember that enough in my time of suffering, and i know you have forgiven me for that, but again, you are a man without equal, compassionate beyond compare. i love you so, and hope i can share this with your new beautiful daughter. julia, i would tell you to get over your self-consciousness and let others see what an amazing woman you are, but i will just let you be you and get to savor that knowledge all to myself and the others who see your greatness. raul, i have always felt like you are my number one cheerleader, and you have given me more support than you realize. brandt, with all you went through, for you to give me such heartfelt words of support when i needed them most, i will never forget that. every accomplishment i am making now is in part due to your support, and i will love you always for it. artoff, i dont care if you think its weird that i say this, but i so wish i lived near you cause i think we would hang out constantly and be the absolute best of chums. or id like to think so :). and there are so many people i only met a few times that have impacted me permanently, so much so that i think you would be freaked out if i kept naming names. but to all of the people ive met in the last years who have inspired me; stephanie, sachi, ben, sam, sunny, jesse, mark, you touch people more than you know. the only thing that was missing this valentines day was a crush, someone to pine over longingly, to ache to be near, or just talk to. but i think my love quota has been more than filled my these wonderful friends, and i will consider myself lucky to exchange the passing fancy for the everlasting friendship.

if you havent all stopped reading already (if you even started) feel free to break off now, but i have got to tell my father exactly how much he means to me. sometimes i have gotten angry with him, and have blamed him for not living up to my expectations of what a father should be. and im sure i will due so again, i am as selfish and short sighted as the next person. but while i am here and salient i will tell him what is honestly in my heart, without being skewed by perceived hurts. dad, i love you more than i can ever express in words. i know that you feel that you may have not lived up to the expectations you had as a young man. you have reached a time in you life that we all come to, questioning the roads taken; and those that you passed by with a glance, maybe a longing glance at that. i of course cannot tell you which decisions that you made were right or wrong, or where you may have taken a misstep. but i can tell you that your decisions have allowed your daughter to live a life she never thought possible. i dont really remember having great ambitions as a child, i never wanted to be a ballerina or an astronaut, didnt know how i felt about college until i got there, i just figured things happened as they did, and i would let them. these were not negatives, it was because i had a sense of openness, that why limit myself to one choice because i could do anything in the whole world that i wanted. and it was because of you, because of the strength and security you gave me that i could feel comfortable with such a seemingly unstable existence. and in my short time here i have accomplished more than i would have ever expected. it has been hard at times; heartbreaking, frustrating, incomprehensible. but that is what makes the beautiful parts of life so worth living. so many times i have looked through the streets of kyoto with the cherry blossoms falling, or over the mountains of laos with the winding mekong in the distance, or most often on my moto, singing, or even screaming to myself in my helmet because i just cannot contain my joy. all of those times i have thought of what you have done for me and our family.

i know that sometimes i will forget all of this. forgive
me, i am human, the slights we feel to our hearts seems to ram any remembrance of kindness out of our minds. but please remember that deep in the core of who i am as a human being, i will be ever grateful of your sacrifices. i know that at times you wish it was you out there hiking the jungles in kauai. but i also know that you would give up your chance to do it every time if it meant that your child could do it in your stead. so dad, i have this picture of us together up here in my room at the shelter, of us with rommel getting ready to leave on a bike trip up the coast. i think you have the same one at your desk. (i am so hoping that no one else is reading this because the cheesiness has gotten out of hand, but i dont care.) im looking at that photo right now (as much as i can see through the tears), and i think i feel for the very first time the thing you have been talking about, being disappointed that there is no afterlife. i have always said that the experiences that i have had already have been fulfilling enough, and i dont need anything to come after it. well its true, except for the fact of how much i would love another life with you and cameron and mom. luckily when i am gone i wont actually be able to miss you, because i didnt miss you before i was born, so i wont miss you after i die. but my goodness i miss you now. so in making sure that we make the most of our meager time here, i'll continue to play out all of the amazing adventures to you, even the seemingly mundane details that make the story so much richer. and i will thank you every time we talk, and remind you that while i may have been able to do some of these things without you, i would never have been able to feel so complete, and certainly not so loved. i love you dad. (and cameron, i love you because you're my brother ;). and for orating since dad cant work a computer.)

new moon: a dated post, but better late than never...

2010-03-08T20:19:00.000+07:00

this point on the calendar marks the celebrations of a new lunar year, reminiscing on old loves, or if you are as fortunate as i am, maybe both. for the celebration of this particular evening, i am headed down to the local chinatown later tonight, to watch the revelers, the dragon dances, partake in a bit of snacking (i plan on eating all of the candied lotus root i can get my stubby little fingers around). but my celebration isnt just for this night, or the promises of a new year. my rebirth happens every morning. every day i know that i have yet another opportunity to do something great. great in the eyes of who? maybe just myself, but for me thats plenty. (although as soon as i complete something that i once saw as great, in my mind it becomes so obviously easy, and not notable at all. funny how that works). anyway, i cant say too much in acknowledgement of the sensitivity of the subject, but i recently completed my first mission as a part of the underground railroad which brings north korean refugees to safety. my part was merely a tiny turn of a cog in a machine vastly larger than i can even imagine. but it is a part that i feel fortunate to play, and is one thing that i will be able to look back on with pride when my body cannot take me as far as it does now.

things could have gone terribly wrong, like any situation where a small group of people is standing in direct opposition to a powerful and ruthless authority. but luckily, i risk only a few months of my own freedom, where others risk there lives, so i never felt much in the way of fear, or even anxiety. very briefly, myself and a small team went to a border location and made a pick up of a group that was waiting for us. them waiting around in a public location certainly wasnt in the plan, it was just one of the many thing that had gone wrong. just to note a few, miscommunicated drop off points and number of people, 26 hours of non-stop driving (and i managed to only hit two stationary objects, yay me!), refugees that had no idea we were coming for them, splitting up the team by plane and van because of miscues, and the refugees and two team members getting chucked into the back of a police van. whew! but quick thinking, adaptability, and a team of cool characters managed to put everything together and get every one of those refugees to safety. amazing, but true. and the nk's themselves are amazing. sweet, friendly, excitable, and oh so charming. an elderly couple was part of the group that we all claimed as our adopted grandparents. every person that laid their eyes on them just smiled in awe. i swear, it was almost a detriment to the mission, they were so adorable that people just followed them for a few steps, like they were in a trance or something! the image of gramps squatting in the courtyard with a ciggie hanging from him mouth, sinewy arms resting on his knees, surveying the area in front of him after he had raked all of the leaves into a pile biger than himself (not hard, this man and his wife were both shorter than 5' me), will be with me always. it was so amazingly surreal, after the long drive home and the adrenaline had worn off after passing through the last checkpoint, here i was giggling with some 20 year olds girls while picking out some shorts (what prudish me would almost consider booty shorts), and chatting with gramps about the war. but these were not giggly girls from my college or even south korean tourists comparing fashions. but this WAS the chat with my own granpda about the korean war, but this fellow happened to be on the other side. and i know in my heart that neither if these two men would have begrudged the other. when the team interacted with each other, it was a lot of cheery grins and i knew it would all turn out okay. and maybe we did think so, even at the most dire moments. but im pretty sure all of us at one point were like, this cannot be real. how am i sitting here with a bunch of nk's who have lived through the most oppressive regime imaginable, who have spent their lives in hiding, some of them tortured and traded as sex slaves? and yet they sit here with us, laughing when we choke if the kim chi is too spicy, or listening to korean pop music (i happen to have the artist rain's full discography, my version of a sex god).

the tenacity of the human spirit, the ability that we all have to overcome the most desperate trials and come out on the other side able to still laugh, love, and yes, other normal emotions as well; be petty, selfish, angry, and hurt. to just be human. to just be.

a few of them have gone on to south korea, but two amazing, beautiful girls are still with us here in the house. we have already been giving them english, computer, and culture lessons, and they have already paid us back in full (not that they needed to) by making us delicious kim chi every day :). i cant say it enough, my life is one of the most frustrating, difficult, lonely, inspiring, amazing, and beautiful lives imaginable. it is bittersweet in the most pure sense of the word. i am overcome with the beauty in the world as often as crushed with the injustice. it is amazing how similar both feelings are, the wave of emotion that nothing in the world could make you ignore. my mother once was baffled when i answered that finding peace is not my end goal (as it is hers she assumed it to be everyones). not having peace is probably the hardest thing about life. but it is the most rewarding, the most heart-wrenching, and the one thing out of every thing that i will never regret if i never find. because peace is acceptance. and i will never accept, and never stop.

oh the sunstroke :(

2010-03-04T21:01:00.002+07:00

hi all. i have had three blog posts in the works for some time now, about my two adventures with refugee pick ups and one that i was the most excited about, proclaiming my love for all the wonderful people in my life (should have coincided with valetines day). but because of situations beyond my control, i have been constantly kept away from the computer. i have tried to take notes (a rarity for me), so i hope i can remember enough to recreate some of the incredible experiences i have had over the past month. but it turns out the amazingly inefficient local bureaucracy has not only caused immense frustration, but is quite literally bad for my heath. i recently returned from a visa run, and because of the overwhelming inefficiency and stifling heat, people were passing out left and right. i thought i must be doing really well, because the first day was almost intolerable, but i felt perfectly fine the second day, even while others were miserable, but as time went on i realized i was sweating profusely, and didnt even feel hot. this was the first red flag, and pretty soon i became aware that something was seriously wrong. i puked up the fruit that i had eaten for breakfast, and from that point on i spit up even the water i was trying to keep hydrated with. i would have to run out of the immigration line to upchuck in the bushes. i was dry-heaving the whole way back on the train. so im pretty sure i've got a pretty serious case of sun poisoning. ive had heat stroke before when i was pretty young and my dad thought a bike ride in 112 degree weather sounded like a goof (ha, typo and it stays) idea. all i remember is someone dragging me under a tree and seeing red sparkles everywhere in the sky. this was even less pleasant, as i was traveling alone and didnt have anyone to rub my back as i heaved into the bushes. there was a very kind (and quite handsome) german guy pretty worried about me, but i'd rather not ask him to hold my hair as i barf. another bonus of short hair. :) so i havent been able to update as i wanted to, but i promise updates on the missions as well as some upcoming book reviews. i have become reacquainted with akutagawa, so i'd love to share some of the beautiful flowing language that he has to offer, at least what can be preserved in the japanese to english translation. so anyway, i promise full updates as soon as i can keep something more than vegetable juice down. i have missed you all so much, and have been neglecting to tell you all how important and inspiring you all are to me, in so many distinct yet unified ways. i love you all, and promise not to be so neglectful in the future. oh, and picture is unrelated but it made me laugh. over and out.

oh the animality!

2010-02-09T18:32:00.004+07:00

ok, this post links a couple of my favorite topics, my veganism and my lack of religious beliefs. now, although i say these are favorite topics, i dont mean i like to talk about them all of the time. most of the time i dont like to talk about these things at all, because too often even giving these topics the weight they deserve is practically impossible by the even the occasionally open-minded. but in my daily life, i love being an atheist, and i love being a vegan. and although its pretty obvious, i didn’t really get how these two things related until recently. i have been both a vegetarian and an atheist for as long as i can remember. and neither of them were ever this eureka moment or anything, i just knew that they seemed right for me. and they have been, maybe more than anything else in my life. i love, just love that my life is lived with a love for all of my fellow creatures for their own intrinsic worth. because they are beautiful and amazing and industrious and fragile. i love that i need nothing so big or ominous as an omnipotent god, and i do not need to fuel my ambition with the (literal)lives of others. i do not say this as a look-at-me-on-my-pedestal kinda way, i mean that it just makes my contented. i look outside and see the beauty of nature and i know that it is right and good on its own merits, none that i or any god can give it.

i am reading watership down right now, a bit more slowly than my usual reading pace, because although it is a story about mere rabbits, there are moments of enlightening experiences. and these rabbits struggle with the belief in god as well. they believe in firth, a god-being that takes care of them. when some of the rabbits are saved by a timely train cutting them off from their pursuers, they deem this firths intervention. this is no more unlikely than gods hand in the lives of humans. but tell that to a christian, i am guessing they will see it differently. and where is the love for all of gods creatures by christians? in their bellies of course, because man has dominion over all these things. not beings, beautiful and free, but things. but how great, how deserving is man really? in watership down, the group meets with another village of rabbits, who are cruel and unfeeling, and respond with - animals don’t behave like men. if they have to fight, they fight; and if they have to kill, they kill. but they don’t sit down and set their wits to work to devise ways of spoiling other creatures lives’ and hurting them. we have dignity and ANIMALITY (emphasis by me). this brings to mind, what is this great humanity we think we have? yes, we have amazing cognition, reasoning, emotion, all explained by our large frontal cortex. but why do we believe in this humanity as raising us above animals. animals do not plan for the destruction of others for anything other than survival. and if they hurt another without intention to eat it, they cannot reason the repercussions as we can. yet we still do evil things to each other. i spoke with a friend recently about his religious beliefs. i respect him more than most christians, because he will willingly say i don’t know, a rare trait. but still, he refuses to look beyond the borders of what he has been taught, he confuses the indoctrination he received as a path of his own choosing. and if he reads this and is angry, i can only say that i feel this way not as any critique on his heart, he loves others well and is to be much respected, most assuredly more than me. but he, as most christians, seems to limit his love to those his faith has told him to love. for animals, he has none, at least not in the way that i perceive it. this breaks my heart, and shows the mentality that if a religious scripture tells one group to hate another, they will; if it tells one man he is better than his brother, he will believe it. and maybe it is because we have a proclivity to believe these things, it comes naturally to us. but look out beyond your own horizons. please, please search out what is greater than a word, a psalm, a parable. truth is in the flowers, the trees, the animals, and your fellow man, foreign as he may seem. to quote the great thomas edision whom is respected by most christians for his scientific achievements but would be damned for his beliefs (bringing up the topic of the insanity that people will believe in science for medicine, mathematics, astronomy, physics….but not god, oh no no) – nature is what we know. we do not know the gods of religions. and nature is not kind, or merciful, or loving. if god made me — the fabled god of the three qualities of which i spoke: mercy, kindness, love — he also made the fish i catch and eat. and where do his mercy, kindness, and love for that fish come in? no; nature made us — nature did it all — not the gods of the religions.

the love for man, nature, life, it is in us all, in our own capacities for greatness; not given, but built piece by piece. i am fortunate beyond what i deserve, not by gods grace, but by the grace of chance of birth. i do not deserve my life any more than a suffering north korean deserves theirs. but it is as it is, and i will right what needs to be righted, and appreciate what deserves to be appreciated. by my own capacity. and my own love.

BOOK REVIEW: Joshua Ferris

2010-02-09T17:31:00.000+07:00

so whenever a book comes into my scope of vision more than once, its like i can not function correctly until i get my hands on it. i know that this is a sign of a true fiend, an addict with little chance of recovery. i mean, when i get a recommendation from a friend, followed by seeing the author on the daily show; or hear a favorite author mention it and then hear of a reading given by the author, its like i was meant to have that book. now i know i was not actually meant to have it, like it was pushed towards me by some greater power, but if i take what i have read, analyze, filter, and appreciate it (hopefully without diluting it at all), i may glean something from it that will change my world view. or i will just have a few laughs and consider it a few hours well spent on worthwhile entertainment. the two books i read last week by joshua ferris fall somewhere in between those two categories.

i read his most recent book first, the unnamed, even though i wanted to start with his first book, then we came to the end. its not like the two books are related, but im a geek like that. i had kinda heard about his first book a while ago, at least peripherally, since it had caused a bit of a stir as possibly the first book written totally in first person plural (i.e. we, us, our). i guess i only really heard about it once, cause i never went on a do or die mission to find it. but last month-ish ferris came out with then we came to the end. so talk was all over about both books. the first sounded so grammatically interesting, but i couldnt find it right off, so i started with the other, the unnamed.

i'll be quick with this one, since it took me about 5-6 hours to read. its about a man who cannot stop moving. sounds like me, i thought. but his is an impossible to diagnose issue of mental or physical illness that causes him to physically be unable to stop walking. these bouts hit him at certain intervals, sometimes dormant for years but lasting for months and months. this novel follows the degradation of the relationships around him because of his illness. he has a supportive family that believes he is truly ill, but he wavers in believing it himself. for me this was a book about the inability to allow ourselves to live with stability and certitude. this man had the so called amercian dream, and although he never consciously wished for a more carefree lifestyle, his manic obsession with putting one foot in front of the other cannot be construed as a mere unfortunate physical anomaly. there is a deeper, needier, more desperate reason. i'll let you analyze the outcome for yourself, but i questioned my own constant need to leave people and things behind.

then we came to the end was funnier, darker, and more original. it was like the movie office space, but from the point of view of all of the obnoxious, irritating office staff that just seem vapid, uninteresting, or self-interested. the book is written in plural, which made it a riot, and set it up for one of the most lovely final sentences i have read in many years. it is basically a set of intertwining stories told about the members of an advertising ajency that is on the road to bankruptcy from the economic downturn. at first the characters induce snickers and eye-rolls from the reader, but after a while, a definite sense of camaraderie is built, and the characters turn into your own coworkers, and dare i say it, friends. its not really the we in the book that does it, but more a recognizing of the flaws that are in us all, no matter how we try to hide or deny them. but after reading all the we, us, and our, the setup for the final sentence is perfect. all of the characters have moved on to other jobs, lives, and they all leave a final little bar gathering, one by one. and then we come to the end. …and with that, we’d get in our cars and open the windows and drive off, tapping the horn a final time. but for the moment, it was nice just to sit there together. we were the only two left. just the two of us, you and me. perfect. such brevity, such clarity. kudos ferris, i will picture this moment for a long time. thanks.

oh my godlessness

2010-01-24T00:54:00.002+07:00

how can i help people to understand that my atheism is as beautiful, mysterious, inspiring, and heartfelt as any form or practice of any religion could be. the complex wonder that is nature, the universe, human existence is so rich, that i feel my heart will just about burst with the love of it all. the fact that on out of all the planets in all the galaxies, evolution led to my two parents combining their dna to make me, little old ordinary me, is just amazing. the drake eqaution works out how rare it is that intelligent life would exist on any given planet (and there is a hilarious use of the drake equation used to calculate one nerdy guys likelihood of finding a girlfriend here), but that doesnt take into account the chance of my parents meeting, and their parents. the comedienne julia sweeney goes further, talking about the likelihood of even the one egg out of hundreds, and the one sperm out of millions coming together to make exactly this one person. she quotes richard dawkins, saying certainly those unborn ghosts include poets greater than keats, scientists greater than newton, but in the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and i in our ordinariness that are here. it really does boggle the mind when thinking about it, and makes me want to take advantage of every minute all the more. i have been given the most rare and wondrous gift imaginable, and although i may be full of ordinariness, i am determined to appreciate it as much as any person possibly could.

i never find disappointment in my atheism, like my dad does when he wishes so much that he could believe in another life after this one. when facing his mortality, it is very difficult for him, and he never believes me when i tell him that i truly do not wish for life after death. its like twain says, i do not fear death. i had been dead for billions and billions of years before i was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. of course i am one of the lucky ones. i can be contented with the years i have spent on this earth, because i have had more opportunities than most just by the chance of being born in america. i have lived more experiences because i have had options, choices that so few ever get to make. the children that die without yet living, those that suffer at the hands of others, it does not seem fair that their one chance has been so spoiled. but of course nature is not about fairness, and i can only appreciate my life and do my best to help others have the opportunities that i have had.

but there is one instance where my atheism does make me feel sad. again, julia sweeney presents it so perfectly in her program letting go of god. she talks about how when she finally came to terms with the fact that there is no god, she had to go through the deaths of those loved ones that had passed all over again. it was especially heartbreaking to hear her talk about her brother, who died a painful death from cancer, and whom she always thought she would see again in heaven. but she had to admit that his suffering was nothing more than a fact of being a human animal, and that it was not a part of a grand plan, and she would never see him again, he is dead. just dead. so its really not for myself that i feel heartsick, but for those that deserve a heaven where they can make up for time lost on earth. in a more trivial way, its like a really tragic scene in a book or movie where a character dies in their lovers arms, and the only way you can keep from blubbering is to tell yourself that they will be together again in heaven. without that caveat, it is depressing sometimes. but at least the bittersweetness means that the life was well lived, because the person was well loved. and i do consider myself fortunate here as well, because i have never believed in heaven, and i imagine it would be very difficult to let go of the idea that your loved ones are waiting for you, if you had been banking on that your whole life. the regrets will be stronger, the pains more hurtful, because there is no taking anything back, never a second chance. of course its impossible to always be loving and kind and just and free from all judgement of others (at least it is for me), but it is so important to give it your best shot, because there will never be another opportunity like this one.

i could write all night about my love for my atheism (and i truly do love it, if i may be anthropomorphic), but for now i'll sign off with a video from one of my favorite atheist explainers(?), qualiasoup on youtube.

oh the pain, the beauty!

2010-01-17T11:38:00.003+07:00

so i had gone to this massage place a couple of times, nothing all that special, but it has a friendly atmosphere and it is never too busy. last week i happened to get the girl that speaks the most english, and she was admiring my tattoos during the massage. afterwards, she introduced me to one of the other girls downstairs that had 3 tattoos, and if i understood correctly, had been done in a tample famous for tattooing. here tattoos are relatively common on men of a certain economic class, but can be seen on women, and rarely on the wealthy. these specific tattoos are called sak yant, and they are only done by buddhist monks. the one seen most often is the hah taew, which means five lines. it is slightly different depending on which monk applies it, it is his own prayer. it usually includes wishes for good fortune, protection against evil spirits, or to show loving kindness. the mantra commonly associated with it is :

Namo Putta Ya Na Metti
Mo Putta Ya Na Na Metti
Putta Ya Namo Na Metti
Ta Ya Namo Put Na Metti
Ya Namo Putta Na Metti

anyway, the woman asked me if i wanted to go with her to the temple. of course i was up for it, it sounded pretty darned cool. then she told be to make sure to bring enough money for the tattoo. i was a little like, eh, what? i told them okay, but i might just watch the first time. i had planned on getting some work done here, but i am super hard line on always planning the tattoo out, discussing it with the artist, going over the artwork a few times. but hey, when was i going to have another chance to get tatted up by a monk in a temple? well, maybe id have a lot of chances, seeing as how it only took me a month to stumble upon someone willing to take me, but hey, make the most out of every opportunity, it might not come along again.

so we drove a couple of hours to get to the temple. it turned out it was like a group outing, because its kind hard to get out there and get an appointment, so there were actually 4 of us getting tattooed that day. the people i went with were super cool, way chill and fun. the sister of the woman i had met was the driver, and she spoke great english, and was very cool, way nice and helpful, and a very interesting person to meet in her own right. so we showed up and had to buy an offering of an orchid and cigarettes, and then headed up to the monks room to get started. a man was just getting finished up when we showed up, and i got to see what i was in for. now this is the seriously traditional style of tattooing. no tat gun here, just 2 foot long metal rods with a giant fucking tip on the end. the needle has little notch on the end for the inkwell, and he basically just dips it in ink and starts stabbing it into your skin. way cool.

so of course, as the guest, they let me go first. lucky me. so you put the offering on a golden platter and hand it to the monk. he doesnt take it right away, he holds onto the other side and prays over you first. my only hesitation here was my staunch atheism, i was wondering if i should be supporting this outdated mumbo jumbo that obviously has no hold in the real world. i mean, should i really be getting a prayer tat when i am so against religion of any kind? but you know, i cant be so friggin judgmental all of the time! this is part of a rich history and culture of a people, and i am lucky to be able to have the experience as part of it. so i viewed this tattoo as a mark of the experience, instead of a perfectly designed piece of art as i had before. so after he prayed over me, he put on a rubber glove (which i later learned was not for the hygiene. he tattoos men without any glove, but monks are not allowed to touch a womans skin, so this is how they get around that. this monk mentioned that when he started to get popular as a tattooist, he got a lot of flak for tattooing women) and got started. i dont know if it is more painful than getting tatted with a gun, because every time you get a tattoo it hurts more than you remeber. but yeah, it hurt. like a bitch. but it was only about 30 minutes. i was a bit nervous, cause i had no say in how it would look, or where it was placed. there wasnt even a mirror in the room to check it out, it was all up to him. but i just kept telling myself, its for the experience, it may not be perfect but the enrichment of my life is worth it. after he was done he rubbed it for a few minutes and prayed over me again. he didnt really speak english, but once during the procedure he said are you okay? and everyone laughed. so for every customer that day he asked, are you okay?, and people cracked up. it was a pretty fun experience, like 6 of us just chatting (the sister translating for me). it wasnt this austere feeling or anything, just lighthearted and enjoyable.

afterwards this random guy got to cut in line and get his next, so we ended up being there almost all day. i walked around the grounds and saw all of the shrines. at one point i could hear someone saying, hello, hello! it took me a while to figure out, but this older man was hailing me from across the courtyard area. he kind of jogged over and looked at my back. he said five lines, five lines! i nodded, acknowledging that i had just gotten the tattoo. in english he said, thank you, thank you, five lines! [this country] is so good, five lines is so good. thank you, thank you! the whole time he was enthusiastically shaking my hand. i had been a bit worried about the locals giving me the side-eye for getting a traditional tattoo as a foreigner, but after this im pretty sure i wont have to worry about that too much. after that i walked over to the lovely river the temple was on (thankfully like 5-10 degrees cooler than where i live) and had a nice bowl of noodles while watching all of the fish.

eventually i walked back up and watched the others get their work finished. it was a really long day, but new, interesting, and beautiful. we drove home with everyone exhausted, and i hopped out when the traffic got heavy and grabbed public transport home. but not before exchanging numbers, promising to hang with these folks again soon. i think i made a really good friend out of the sister, we are planning to cook dinner together at her place so she can show me some recipes. when i got home she texted me asking if it would be okay if she considered me a sister. never having had one, i thought it was a very sweet sentiment.

oh, and of course the tat looks amazing. delicate, beautiful, and full of lovely memories of that day. and one bonus (although i never quibble about tattoo prices, its an art and should be treated as such) it only cost like seven bucks. win!

oh my traveling heart

2010-01-17T02:07:00.019+07:00

my favorite miyazaki anime is mimi wo sumaseba (us title: whispers of the heart). it is so simple and sweet and lovely. a young girl who finally challenges herself when a young boy who wants to become a master violin maker falls for her. the animation and story are both much more simple than the fantasy-type anime, but it is perfect and moving and just plain heartwarming. in it, the girl translates the john denver song country roads. but her translation is sooo much better than the original song. and i feel the emotion of it in my on heart every time i hear it. so i wrote it out, and even though the given translation is not spot on, and the japanese lyrics are a bit off at the end (i just couldnt make them out), little is lost of the loveliness. so here it is.

Country Road

Hitoribochi, hosore tu ni             No one is with me, going fearlessly
Hiki yo to yume miteta                 That’s the way I live in the dream I see
Samishi sa hoshi kometa              I must put my loneliness away
Tsuyoi jibum mo ma mo ikeko     Protect myself and learn to be strong

Country road, komo machi          Country road
Tsuyuta tsukeba                           It will take me back to my home
Ano machi ni tsizu iteru                I can feel it now, if I just keep
Kinasuru, Country road     to this far off way, Country road

Donna samishii bokidatte            It wont matter how lonely the times get
Keshite namina wa misenaide       You’ll never see me cry
Kokoro nashi kahojo ya hayaku I know I must take heart, andthat hurrying
Natteiku omoide kesutane           Is all I can do to forget

Country road, komo michi           Country road, it may take me
Furusatoei buiteba                       back to my hometown, but even so
Boku wa ikanai sa                         I cant go, I wont go
Ikanai, Country road                    Country Road

Country road, hoshitaba             Country road, Steeling my heart
Hitsumono boku sa                      I will not go now,
Bayunetai Nayarenai                   Not while I’m free
Sayonara, Country Road          So its farewell, Country road

oh yeah, so what am i doing here anyway?

2010-01-14T23:56:00.001+07:00

it seems that a few of the people reading this blog (okay, my mom) are not totally sure what it is that i actualy do here out adrift, tethered to hq in america by the flimsiest of threads. one reason i had been kind of hesitant to go into it is because i had the choice of running a blog that talked about where i am but not what i do, or the inverse; what i do but not where i am. ive finally worked it out that it is much more interesting to talk about the challenges ahead, the experiences that are so rich and so meaningful, without actually having to go into the specifics of a pinpointed geographical location. so here goes:

ive been working for a human rights non-profit for the last 7-ish months. i am now running a shelter that assists in the placement of north korean refugees in the united states, a part of a larger network that helps these heartbreakingly oppressed people to find a chance at a "normal" life. a chance to do the things that so many of us take for granted, like accessing the internet, speaking our minds, and maybe the simplest thing (but most important) of all, just filling our bellies. i had been aware of this issue for years, i was lucky enough to have a father that, although a business conservative, is a social liberal. he taught me a lot about the different situations that people are facing around the world. however, it was presented in a very matter-of-fact manner, and not really in a way that made it seem that anything could possibly be done by an outsider. so as i grew up, entered college, then grad school, i got behind a lot of causes. environmentalism, gay rights, things that were important to me and impacted my life daily. but most of the time it was as a side dish to the eentrée of my life, like academics or travel. but spending a year in a hospital bed changed all that. now i dont want it to sound like this epic sob story, like, i have to re-learn to walk, and laying there in the hospital bed i read a book that opens my eyes to the way i can devote myself to something bigger, and i swear i will no longer live selfishly traveling around the world but will give myself to the cause! okay, this is actually kinda how it happened, but i just didnt know it at the time. anyway, i was lying in a hospital bed for months, and months, and picked up mike kims book escaping north korea after being charmed by him on the daily show. the thing that really got to me, was how a pretty normal person can decide to go all crazy spy-like and start crossing borders and smuggling refugees. i was just thinking a person must need mad awesome contacts, or tons of cash or something. i knew that kind of lifestyle would work for me, and i feel devoted enough to this specific cause that i would be more than willing. and my wide range of experiences has prepared me with a certain skill set that many people do not have. but hey, there's no way a tiny white girl with not one contact in any north korean human rights group could just expect to walk in and be like, hey, where do i sign up to like, smuggle refugees and stuff? right? turns out, i could.

so, im not sure if i am allowed to name the group i work for, although two seconds of internet research could give you the answer. but after returning to america from two years in japan (and a year in the hospital), i looked around for a group that was involved with this issue. it turned out to be harder than i thought, because there are so few people that even know these atrocities in north korea are even going on, and the groups that do work in this field are all religious. i am a staunch athiest, and there was no way i could become involved in an organization that was saving people to save their souls, instead of for the wonderful and amazing and deserving human beings that they are. luckily enough i finally found a fantastic organization headed by people barely out of their teens, determined to practically carry these people out on their fucking backs if need be. sometimes the money isnt there, and things are still getting sorted, but its a group of individuals who are determined to give every ounce of themselves to not only bringing awareness about the cause, but doing something epic, helping to rebuild the lives that have been almost destroyed by the most oppressive regime that exists on earth today. i knew i wanted in.

so i spent my fall touring around the country (the us), living out of a van, teaching, discussing, and hopefully inspiring. getting people to admit that this problem can be solved if enough like minded people take action, and getting them to pledge some sort of action, to not forget it as soon as finals get to stressful or the job hunt becomes more important. i met some phenomenal people on the road, people that were so rich in character, i felt fortunate just to spend a few hours with them. and honestly, i loved it. i loved getting up and talking to people about something i truly believe in, and discussing ways to bring change. i loved studying the issue everyday, and being ready to give thoughtful, accurate, and succinct answers to any question thrown at me. i considered it a great challenge, to not give people any reason to doubt the severity of this issue, but also not to doubt the fact that something could be done. and it has, this organization, the work of these few young people, has already resulted in bringing 27 people out of nk/china and into safety.

so after this tour, i was back at the office wondering what would come next. i had already mentioned half-jokingly to the staff that i was interested in becoming a protection officer, someone who works at one of the shelters and is responsible for every aspect of the refugees lives, from border to border. but i knew it would never work. im white, i dont speak korean, and im inexperienced. well. so im white, big deal, im not in nk or china, so it doesnt matter, there are while people everywhere in se asia. and for experience, i have tons in many fields. it might not be in this specifically, but i have done enough strange things in my life that it seems to fit perfectly. the language was the killer though. so i didnt really think about it.

two days after getting back from tour, i got called into the office about the protection officer position. i figured it was the requisite, sorry, wont work, thanks for playing. so wrong. it was more like, pack your bags, you leave in 5 days. so much for the first christmas at home in 4 years. they decided that sending a korean speaker with me that could train me would work, and though not ideal, still better than any alternatives. and mostly i think it was my drive. okay, i know this sounds vain, but i can do anything. i know i can. i have no special skills, am not particularly talented at anything, but if given enough time, ive got the will to do whatever it takes. so bring it!

now, things havent worked out as planned. the girl that came out with me totally pussed out, like hardcore. left me high and dry. but already working on a contingency. i rustled up an korean teacher (a korean ex-pat that normally teaches piano, but what of it). and im taking the time while where we have a lull in refugees to learn everything i can. korean, the local language, local cooking. also writing an english curriculum for the lessons we give here. and quite a few other projects that will hopefully help how this organization runs the field program in the future. so im living it, loving it, and cant wait until these efforts start bearing fruit.

so i will start updating this blog with the trials of all of these efforts, what works and what doesnt, what drives me to the brink and what pulls me back. and maybe the occasional flashback to my past (hawaii, japan, etc). so i hope you stick round for the ride, i know i will.

oh that wild and wacky weather (oh the alliteration)

2010-01-11T12:44:00.001+07:00

wow!! i have seen a few pretty cool water-related events in my time. an incalculable amount of waterfalls, torrential canyon floods, and one especially memorable storm at Lake Powell, where thousands of gallons of water burst from an overhead cliff after the windiest, rainiest, wildest storm i had ever seen. the flood we had here last week was much more tame, but that was what made it so interesting.

i had been up in my second floor room reading for a few hours. the rain broke very quickly, going from the first few hesitant drops to a full blown tropical storm in minutes. but ive lived in the sub tropics before, and didnt really think too much of it, even though i couldnt help but flinch at the loudest of the thunderclaps. a couple of times it seemed that the rain would let up, but it came in pretty full force for about 4 hours. when it finally reached no more than a trickle, i decided to take a quick peek outside to see what the damage was. as i stepped of the last stair onto the first floor landing, my foot splashed into about 3 inches of water. sigh. immediately i flashed back to the past P.O. telling me about the first floor getting a bit wet during the rainy season. funny how that completely slipped my mind. hopefully i can be forgiven, as my week of intense training left me saying "yup, uh-huh, i understand" and then at least 60% of whatever was said flying directly out of my head.

anyway, i ventured out a bit further; luckily only the living room floor and hallway are lower than ground level, so there wast too much to worry about it the house. i grabbed my wallet to head to the convenience store for a coke zero (my one western habit i just cant seem to break), and to check out the neighborhood. i tentatively opened the front gate, as there was quite a bit of water sloshing under the crack. i was pretty unprepared for the amount of water that had collected in such a short time. at least 2.5 feet of water had turned our residential street into a creeping river. perched on the top rail of the gate, i quickly drew my foot back before it could be suckered on from some creature of the deep. i leaned out as far as i could to see the main street that runs perpendicular, about 200 feet away. there i could see cars bumper to bumper, with the requisite scooters moving in between. a truck turned down my street, and by the time he passed my house, he was throwing up a pretty good-sized wake, enough to try to shake me off of the gate. after he passed i decided to give it a go, it looked lively and inviting down the street, i could hear people laughing from their stoops, getting a good view of the chaos in the streets.

as i stepped into the murky water, or course the first thing that came to mind was the one and only rat i had seen living here. i was sure i would be attacked my a mob of rats trying to get out of the water, like in indiana jones or something. they would try to climb up my legs like tree trunks (not improper grammar, i mean both they would climb them like tree trunks and they would climb up my tree-trunk like legs). or i would at least have to look away as i saw swollen, bloated bodies of dead..what...rats, roaches? i dont know, needless to say i didnt see anything gross or dead, just some dirty water. hiking my skirt up i walked down the street, a normally 3 minute walk now a 15 minute trudge. the neighboors waved and laughed from their balconies, and i waved back, by now very used to being the silly foreigner wherever i live.

the main street was indeed chaos, cars lining the street as far as i could see in either direction. the scooter taxis were making good time though, weaving in and out, the girls on the back trying to keep their heels out of the water. some people were trying to build little barriers to keep the water out of their shops, but most of the shops are raised enough to stay tolerably dry. i shook my feet off as best as i could, and hopped in the 7-11. the floors were lined with cardboard, but it was a challenge to stay upright when my shoes did find some linoleum. still a novice in the language, i just kinda pointed out the door and laughed to the clerk as i was checking out, and he did the same. some people looked annoyed, but most were just enjoying the breakup of routine. as i sloshed my way back to the house i collected our trash bin that had floated down the street, and in the house i tried to put anything important on a high self. today i finally got around to sweeping and mopping the house out. random garbage, some rugs went into the garbage, but the killer is the big tub of kitty litter that had been sitting out (which i hadnt even been aware of, we dont have a cat). it is now a giant tub of inflated muck covered by 2 inched of water. i havent touched it, it is still sitting there. maybe i'll get lucky and the next flood will carry it away...

now this was a pretty fun event for me, but as these tropical locations are built up, and the groundwater from these torrential rainstorms can no longer seep into the soil, it does cause major problems. read about current issues in this area here: http://www.silobreaker.com/flooding-11_417923

urbanization without sustainable design will not only destroy the surrounding ecosystems, it puts the very people living in them in serious jeopardy. so please keep that in mind when deciding where to vacation. love to all in this wonderful new year!!!

oh the food!!

2010-01-03T16:44:00.000+07:00

people who know me at all know that a major love of my life is food. i think it falls second only to books. and the food in se asia falls second only to afghani food for me, so im pretty much in a constant state of bliss here. the mixture of flavors is what really makes the cuisine here something to relish. sweet, spicy, sour, salty, all in one dish. it seems overwhelming, but when done right is a miraculous event for the tastebuds. and what a change coming from japan, where the flavors are so subtle, so muted, that it takes a ...oh lets say, serene palate to really enjoy them. and not that one is really better than the other, i more than anyone appreciate a good zaru tofu. having worked in an organic tofu shop, it made me something of a tofu snob, and where most people not only couldnt tell the difference, but most likely wouldnt care, i will go into a near faint when presented with fresh, rich, tofu, or - soy be praised - yuba (the oily skin skimmed from the top of cooling soymilk). sigh...

ok, reminiscing aside, the food here is enjoyed in a whole other part of the brain it seems, or at least a different part of the tongue. panang curry (fav by far), pho, som tam, spring rolls, mango with sticky rice (uuuuhhhhh, so good). the potency of the herbs is amazing, basil, cliantro, garlic, ginger, chillies, in quantities that feel will bust out your sinuses. and the drinks! all different kinds of teas, boba drinks, smoothies. wow, they sure like things sweet over here. now i'm not complaining, cause i have a sweet tooth like no other, but boy howdy do i exceed a healthy sugar intake most days. in the above photo i am having the most AMAZING drink i have ever had. i stopped by many of the food carts out on new years eve , and besides the mango salad and a bamboo stalk filled with sticky rice and azuki, i had a syrupy beverage that was filled with yellow beans, lychee, black jelly, a bunch of other stuff i couldnt identify (all of it sweetened), and wouldnt you know it was topped off with my favorite of root vegetables, rankon (sweetened of course). it was such an amazing mix of flavors and textures, it was the most i have ever enjoyed a drink, bar none. i would have gotten a second, but there was no way i could fit another one in my already distended belly. now, you didnt have to add all of the ingredients if you didnt want them, but i just had the vendor add a little of everything. and thats what makes the food so great here, there's a bit for every taste. when you get a noodle dish, there is usually a tray nearby with crushed red chillies, sugar, fish or oyster sauce, and some other random seasoning. i of course love my dishes spicy and sweet, so im usually applying liberal amounts of the chillies and sugar. i have only been here a month and i am happy to say that i can ask the vendors to add more chillies, even in this region known for serving the food already quite spicy. but its not like i think i can handle more spice than the locals, its that im pretty sure they tone down the spice for the foreigner, and i need to get them to boost it to an adequate level. and by adequate i mean nose slightly running but not quite sweating. and one big plus is there are plenty of places that serve gluten and such as a meat substitute (although i dont really consider it a substitute, its well deserved as being an edible in its own right), so i can get noodle dishes with lots of tofu and meaty gluten as a hearty meal. im sure i have eaten oyster sauce or something a few times, but overall the vegan experience has been a good one, i certainly dont feel like i am missing out on anything. if i do decide to try a meat dish (something i allow myself once in other countries as a "cultural experience"), it would have to be something with shrimp, as that is by far the most common "meat" addition, and admittedly i do loves me some shrimp. or did at one point in my life.

so if i come back to the states a few pounds heavier, you will all know why. luckily most of the food is pretty healthy, but im a bit of a glutton, and have a hard time understanding the concept of moderation. and luckily the food is cheap, but even so i am well prepared to spend a good percentage of my money on what is going into my gut. although i have been putting in a good effort into recreating these dishes in the kitchen, and am doing okay so far with drunken noodles and green mango salads. id like to take some cooking classes, but i think an exercise class might be a bit more necessary if i dont want to be rolled home like violet beauregarde.

...hunger is the best spice...

Jasper Fforde's The Eyre Affair, The Big Over Easy, and The Fourth Bear

2009-12-21T16:25:00.000+07:00

OLD POST
a review i wrote some years back about ffords other series'

So I will continue with the thread of reviewing lit on lit. Except this time it’s not a review of a critique, but delving into the world of literary characters becoming real life individuals in the stories by Jasper Fforde. He has two major series, both of which center on the respective heroes, Thurday Next and Jack Spratt.

The Thursday Next series begins with The Eyre Affair, in which a maniacal villain alters the plotlines of major literary works, e.g. Jane Eyre, for evil and world ending intentions. Now I had not read Jane Eyre beforehand (an abomination I know, but the Bronte sisters have never been my favorite writing team, I’m more of a Coen brothers fan if we are talking sibling writing duos.) Anyway, I think it would behoove someone to read Jane Eyre first, because the twists and alterations of the plot would be better appreciated if the reader knew what they were supposed to be in the first place. However, I don’t think it really took anything away for me (and I would still rather not wade through

scores of pages of chance meetings and romantic misunderstandings.) The Eyre Affair itself was fantastic, merging an ever so real and obvious disgust with pointless wars *clearing of the throat* with a detective escapade that weaves in and out of literary history. The character Detective Thursday Next is quite the heroine, strong and capable, but not without her own set of emotional issues, which only make her more charming. When the book wrapped up, I went right to the nearest bookstore to pick up the next in the series (there are 5 more books, the most recent due out July 2007. However, as luck would have it Lost in a Good Book was sold out, so I began The Big Over Easy, which is Fford’s move from literary manipulations to Nursery Crime (play of words on nursery rhyme for those a little slow on the uptake).

A different feel to this series, although the main character Jack Spratt is the lovable and honest underdog, I didn’t get the same connection as with Thursday Next. However, I still enjoyed the book immensely, and the ideas behind it still slightly genius. In Spratt’s world, he heads up the Nursery Crime Division (NCD), which deals mainly with the protection or capture of PDR’s, Persons of Dubious Reality. The Big Over Easy deals with the murder of Humpty Dumpty, a booze swilling depressed letch. It’s a good introduction to the characters and the plot methods, but I feel like the real magic doesn’t come out until the second book of the series, The Fourth Bear. By the time the reader reaches this point, they have already become familiar with the characters and more attention can be paid to the story. Both books of this series have criminal elements that are at some times predictable but then become so convoluted that it’s difficult to remember who is who. More than once I had to flip back a few chapters to remind myself which corrupt corporation was being discussed, or which seemingly innocent character now may be the evil mastermind. Then as if by magic Detective Jack Spratt suddenly knows exactly who the bad guy is and how to catch them and save the world. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, a story laced with nursery rhyme characters would be expected to be wrapped up in a neat little bow by the conclusion of the book. And a nice little addition to the second book is the internal struggle that Detective Spratt has with his own questionable reality. The bottom line is that while reading all of Fforde’s books there where multiple times that I found myself literally slapping the book against my leg, so moved by the wit that was just so perfect, intelligent yet completely unguarded. The characters make fun of themselves on more than one occasion, and the best jokes are totally simple. When Detective Spratt asks the character Vinnie (who happens to be a bear) if he can get him past a pretty intimidating line of police officers, Vinnie smiles and replies, “Do I shit in the woods?” Infantile maybe, but if you don’t crap up (I mean crack up, I swear that was a real typo) than I’ll eat my…well… not that… but how bout my book…

shades of grey

2009-12-21T15:04:00.000+07:00

as most of you well know (since i have been bragging about it for days), i found a copy of the yet-to-be-released jasper fforde novel, shades of grey. i'm not sure why its available here, and i especially dont understand why its available in paperback, something that may be years away in western markets. (actually, now that i think about it, i dont remember seeing any hardcovers in the store. i'll have to check this next time) anyway, at 400 odd pages it took me about 2.5 days to read, pretty average for a fictional page-turner for me.

the first thing that jumped out at me was how similar in style, story, and feel it was to the 1884 satyrical novel flatland by edwin abbott abbott. similar daffy yet likeable protagonist, similar social hierarchy, in flatland based on shape, and in shades of grey on color perception. sofg actually seemed a bit more like the flatland film than the movie, but im a little sketchy on seperating the two, so i could be mistaken. anyhow, the sofg had a very familiar feel about it, so much so that i went online, while careful to read no spoilers, tried to find out if fforde referenced abbotts work as an inspiration/influence for his own. he did not. hm.

okay, on to the characters. i said before that the protagonist was likeable, but i really mean he is not unlikeable. i myself didnt particularly like him. and i ususally LOVE the protagonists from ffords novels. the brash and hot-headed thursday next, or the always downtrodden yet dependable jack spratt. both of these characters have their flaws, but are strong and true, and will usually make the selfless decision. they are more than characterizations, they are rich and complex, you care about their reputations, their futures, and it sounds hokey, but their lives. those are two of my favorite characters in british lit, because i feel they earn it, you go through all the trials with them, feeling their frustrations, reveling in their success. in ffords first two series where these characters are featured (fforde is a serial writer), i love the protagonists, villans, friends, even the side characters. reading his books are like a little view into how i hope i would carry myself in hilariously dangerous situations (i am going to be posting an old review of ffordes work now that i've gone on so much about it). now, the protagonist from sofg. hm, what to say. he's a slightly bumbling though mosty good-natured sap that lets himself get taken advantage of over and over again. he can (and does) prove himself to be, if not a hero, than hero lite. he's got a strong woman to back him up (all of ffords novels feature strong, outspoken women), but even she falls a little flat. one of the reasons it is harder to identify is that athough ffordes first two series take place in odd worlds (one jumping in and out of literature, the other in a world of nursery rhyme characters), the same basic set of world-views apply. people can still be kind or murderous, forthright or devious, and they are always aware of the world around them. but the world built in sofg is something that we cant really relate to, a dystopia that follows such bizarre rules, it is unknowable, unreachable. and this is okay if the piece is a commentary on social hierarchy, as flatland is. i didnt identify with the character in flatland, but i wasnt really meant to. i mean, he was a two dimensional square. as much as i can, i dont REALLY know what it would feel like to be 2D. And even closing my eyes, imagining his world, i still wouldnt know his feelings, or care all that much actually. its much the same for the main character here, eddie. he is gullible, naive, and a bit of a whinger (i love the word whinger btw, i cant stop using it instead of whiner after listening to gervais' podcasts). i never really cared what decisions he made, because he just annoyed me to much. and the transformation that his love interest jane goes through is much too abrupt, it seemed dishonest to her character, and to the reader.

as far as the story goes, its okay enough, but i dont want to spoil it. just know that its an entertaining enough read, but dont expect the magic and fantastic wordplay that jasper fforde gave us in his previous series. ill probably read the next in line when it comes out, but i'll borrow it from the library or something. and for me to not NEED to own the book, like a need that makes me sweat and pant in the bookstore, thats saying something. but it still better than 80% of the tosh out there, so you might want to give it a try.

trust

2009-12-21T14:03:00.000+07:00

what is it about some people that makes them totally loyal to their word? the kind of person that as soon as the words leave their lips, they become something more, something of truth, fact, honesty. i love that in people. it is so rare, but so incalculably valuable. of course, there are very few people like that in this world. the bulk of people say things they dont mean, or things they think they mean at the time, or things they want to mean but know that they will never truly come to pass. the reality of just how many people are not more careful about how their words relate to their actions, about how their chain of actions defines who they are as a person. i have traveled a lot, more than the average person. and while i have met an amazing number of fantastic, enthralling amazing people (more than i deserve im sure), few of those people are actually devoted to being honest to themselves and others. dont get me wrong, those people are out there, and i owe my health and happiness to a few of them. but those types of people are far to few in number than should really be the case.

when i talk about honesty and truth, it ranges all the way from going out on an appointed date to living up to the morality we all build for ourselves. if you, as a human, have set certain rules, codes, goals to live by, stay true to them. this doesnt mean that a person cant change their mind or find a different path., but when others are dependent on the scaffolding that you build to hold your life in place, if it come tumbling down, its not just you who goes down with it.

i consider myself a person that hold very true to their mission. although i wish it were, it is not for the altruistic reason that other people are depending on me, or that feel a drive to stick to my guns for the sake of others. its for much more selfish reasons. i like a challenge, i dont like to lose or look the fool. i like trials of endurance or fighting through severe restrictions. but i do like knowing that what i say can be trusted. that if i make a decision to devote myself to something, those involved know that i will do whatever it takes to get it done. part of this is because of my lifestyle. because i dont have many people very close to me, i can focus on one goal, one plan at a time. finishing my masters in hawaii; once done, that goal, those people, i dont feel as connected to (i was going to say obligated, but that seems harsh, i dont look at my relationships as "obligations"). went to japan, met great people, finished that. now working to help NK refugees. i can devote myself to it fully, because there is nothing else absorbing the limited amount of resources that every human being has. so i know it may be easier for me than some, because of the way i have chosen to live my life. but it doesnt negate that EVERY person should be held to their word, and they should WANT to be held to it, to prove themselves as forthright and honorable individuals.

i know that every person is at times deceitful, a coward, weak, scared, hurt. we all are, we all make bad or selfish decisions, we all sometimes feel like the world is out to get us or that maybe no one is watching out for us. but it should not keep us from trying with every ounce of ourselves to be the anti-hypocrite. if when people are asked what is the first thing they think of when they think of me, if it is something along the lines of sincere, or genuine, or just plain dependable, i will consider myself successful. and not just to the one person that is maybe most important to me, but to every person in my life.

Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether you like it or not; it is the first lesson that ought to be learned; and however early a man's training begins, it is probably the last lesson that he learns thoroughly. Thomas H. Huxley

oh the shopping

2009-12-14T15:03:00.000+07:00

every time i move to a new place (or return to an old one, for that matter), i am convinced that i have found the epicenter of materialism. the shopping obsession seems almost rabid as soon an one gets within 10 miles of a strip mall, emporium, outlet, whatever. when i lived in japan i always joked that shopping was the national pastime. i was sure there was no where on earth that could rival their love for spending. but now i'm not so sure...

backtracking a bit, i'm not saying that all shopping is a gross perversion of a stable economy, for there are a lot of positives as well. i mean, one of the most amazing experiences of my life was finding my way through the markets in egypt. the smells were so rich, a mix of the literal barrels of spices on display with the street food like sweet potatoes or grilled corn. and the markets stay open into the early hours of the morning as to avoid the stifling heat of the day. (and on a side note, being the only caucasain, and more importantly the only female, in an egyptian market at 2am leads to some interesting encounters. seriously.) but the markets were obviously the hub of social interaction, people more often chatting about their kids than whipping out a credit card. but this is hardly the norm. and im not trying to romanticize the mysterious "other" or anything, but its pretty hard to see anything but money pass between people at the average us or japanese mall.

(laptop sleeve/bag)

now i'm not trying to claim that i am somehow above all of this, because in truth this post is about some amazing articles that i have purchased here. i'm trying to say that before you bust out your wallet, try to think about what you are buying, if you really need it, and most importantly, where it came from. because where i am living now, i am drowning in knock off bags and generic fashion. its like a forever 21 factory exploded over the whole city. in general, i am so tired of seeing 100 of the same shirt that lacks any kind of individuality or expression. truth be told, before i moved to japan i thought fashion

was bunk, but i really started to see the self-expression that was allowed fashion in a society that sometimes tries to squelch individuality. but come on people, try buying from artists, small businesses, people who still put love into their designs. after wading through all of the crap here, i have found a few designers that i cant help but want to buy their goods, share them with my friends, and have back-ups for when those wear out. i know it sounds silly, and maybe there really isnt a difference between buying off the rack and searching out unique creations, but i

want to believe there is.

so here are a few pictures of bags i picked up from an awesome designer (wish i could post the name, but i'm not allowed). i love everything about them. the prints are beautiful and original, and the materials are all pvc (yay vegan!) and are constructed incredibly well. i've already been to the wholesale shop, and most of you can expect one for any upcoming holiday :P

but all of this being said, even though i feel all holier than thou because they are unique items from a local business, is it really all that different than trolling the aisles at wal-mart? probably not so much. and yes, i do get carried away sometimes, i mean, i could live very easily on 2 pairs of pants, a few t's, and maybe one suit. (although remember, i'm pretty close to that. all i own in the world fits on 8 boxes, 6 of which are all books). anyway, when i feel the urge to own some random article that i really dont need, i pick up thoreau's walden and read a couple of lines.

"perhaps we should never procure a new suit, however ragged or dirty the old, until we have so conducted, so enterprised or sailed in some way, that we feel like new men in the old..."

2009-12-09T11:38:00.001+07:00

mmm, back to writing. possibly the only thing that connects me to the places i've lived. everything else i leave behind, the friends, the language, the society. okay, that sounds a bit dramatic, obviously i still talk to some of the people i've built relationships with along the way. i can still bust out a little pidgin or japanese on occasion. and i can't act like i haven't absorbed the parts of the societies that i have lived in as part of my own personality; the laid-back island life or ordered and isolated politeness of japan. oh, and of course the outdoorsy childhood i had that makes me more comfortable with sleeping in a field than in a hotel. okay, so maybe writing isnt the only thing that connects me, but its the only time i feel like i'm the same person no matter what chair i'm sitting in. whatever it is that i see outside of my window, when the self-analysis kicks in and i make my feeble attempts at arranging my life in some orderly fashion, i'm brought back to the core of who i am. both the good and bad about myself, all of the things that make me me are laid bare. i think that's what writing does to a person, because if you're not being honest, it not only feels superficial to yourself, it soon becomes apparent to others that you are holding something back or giving a bit too much *wink to james frey*.

so here i am, sitting in a generic chair looking out of an ordinary window, back at my computer after a bit of an absence. but my location and purpose here are a bit less ordinary. i see tropical plants pretty similar to what i have seen in the past, hear the same squawking birds. but the language floating up from the street is new to me, the phonetics so bizarre to my untutored ears. i had forgotten how difficult the first few months in a new country are, when you can't even return greetings, or give pleasantries like please and thank you. and the friendliness of the people actually makes it a bit more difficult. if the general populace keeps to themselves, there aren't many people greeting you on the street, testing your linguistic abilities. but here where your foreign-ness is a curiosity in the neighborhood, people are constantly questioning your nationality, reason for being here, if you are having "fun" here (a question i was never asked in japan in 2 years), but i'm at the point where i cant differentiate one question from the next, or if i am supposed to give a response at all. yet again i am reduced to a smile accompanied by a polite nod, or a wave with a quizzical look. being a somewhat seclusionary (yes, totally made up word, but it fits) person myself, this more involved behavior may take some getting used to. especially because of the nature of my work here. the balance of public and private life must be hammered out to the acceptance of both the neighbors, myself, and most importantly the people i'm working with. right now the lack of language ability may play in my favor, just being the ignorant yet well meaning foreigner. but soon the novelty of that will wear off, and i had better be able to converse a bit for sanity's sake, as well as getting along well with those i come into contact with on a daily basis. and then there is the small matter of my studying korean as well. sigh, well, if i can get out of this boasting some conversational skills in 4 languages, it will sound quite impressive. as long as there are no native speakers present, cause then i wont sound impressive so much as speaking on a 6 year olds level. :)

so my first week here has been basically learning the transportation system. a complex ballet of leaping from bus to subway to cab to motorcycle to get to the places i need to go. and boy are there a lot of places. this job requires a pretty decent knowledge of very local places, from administration buildings to where to get the cheapest vegetables. and i have been very fortunate the the person training me has been so patient. and although i appreciate to no end the amount of work she is putting in, i know i wont really get the hang of it until i start making my own ridiculous mistakes. i know at some point i am going to end up on the wrong side of town with little idea of how i got there, and even worse, how to get back. but seeing the openness of the people here, i know that i'll be able to laugh it off and get the assistance i need. my dad always jokes that i was born under a lucky star, because i have always been able to find help along the way, whether it be with a life-altering issue, or just how to get to the nearest bus station. maybe the reason i have been able to step outside the box a bit more than others is not because of an independence in my own personality, but because of my awareness that there is rarely a time when there wont be someone, somewhere that can help me over whatever obstacle i am facing. well, okay, maybe its a little of both. but those working together have led me to some of the most amazing, inspiring people on this planet. and i am thankful every day for them. in fact, im thinking its time to remind them how wonderful they are. so i'll sign off for now, and go write a couple of overdue emails of thanks. till next time...

"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you."